i have a really annoying problem. and i'm not excited about sharing it here, but i think if i do, i may be able to do something about it.

since i began exercising, i've actually gained a few pounds. yeah. not right. at first i thought i was gaining muscle, but i really don't think so. tonight as i was getting dressed to go out for dinner, i put on a favorite pair of slacks only to find i was holding my breath and jumping around to get into them. ok, so it wasn't quite that bad, but they were very, very tight. i took them off and promptly hung them back in the closet. oy vey.

i think the explanation is two-fold: first, i'm honestly hungrier since i began running. consequently i am eating more. i'm not making poor choices, but i'm eating larger quantities so it only makes sense that i'm gaining a bit. secondly, i think there's a slight sense of entitlement, or a feeling like i deserve a reward (which has become my nightly Skinny Cow ice cream cone, which, at 150 calories isn't bad at all, but the fact that i am eating it at night is awful). i catch myself sometimes thinking, "oh, well i went running today, so i can eat a few more of those wheat thins," or, "i did such a good job working out that i can have that yogurt and granola." don't get me wrong---i am hungry. a lot. but perhaps there is a third reason, and it's the same one that's always plagued me: emotional eating. i suppose when you combine these three things, it's no wonder i've gained a few pounds. regardless, i'm quite upset with myself and i really want to put a stop to it. but how to do this when i really AM hungry most of the time? sometimes i even get sweaty and shaky, like i have low blood sugar. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

i've often thought about posting pictures or signs around the kitchen. it's not as easy as just not buying certain things because i have kids. i'm not willing to deprive them of foods just because i hear the cookies calling my name from the pantry. i am a firm believer that if you're denied something, you want it all the more later. we don't keep a lot of junk food in the house---we have pretzels and Sun Chips (not greasy Lays/Ruffles). We have cookies around, but they are mostly Fat Free Newtons or the Archway oatmeal raisin cookies (I also make my own cookies when I can summon the energy, as those are far better, although still not good for you). we eat lots of fruit and veggies, eggs, yogurt, milk, cheese, whole wheat bread, turkey, chicken....I am talking in circles. Perhaps if I taped signs around that read, "Do you really need/want to eat that?" or, "What's really eating you?" or even, "A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips," I would be less inclined to indulge my every food whim. Certainly a magazine clipping or two featuring swimsuit models would be enough to stop me from stuffing my face unnecessarily.

I have also read about keeping a food diary, which I've never attempted. It seems like it wouldn't work, but perhaps I ought to give it a shot. You do just that---write down everything you put in your mouth. I suppose with the result being that you begin to fully realize how much and what sorts of foods you are putting into your body daily. And maybe writing it down prompts you to consider whether you really need it. I can't remember for sure, but I think you're also supposed to jot down how you're feeling that day or what's been going on. Hell, maybe I should post my food diary on my blog! I can see that being a very effective diet!!! It would say:

"Saturday, August 9, 2008. Today I ate an apple and a large glass of fat-free skim milk. I wasn't really very hungry for some reason. My kids were absolute angels and took three-hour naps, and I used that time to mow the yard and wash my car. D came home from work early and loved the delicious, wholesome meal I prepared for the family (which I declined to eat because I wasn't hungry). I did 22 loads of laundry, took the dog to the vet, vacuumed and mopped my floors, had hot sex with my husband, read a novel, went to the grocery store, and ran 10 miles followed by an hour of strength training. I am so happy and fulfilled and my life is perfect! I always manage to squeeze so many productive things into my day. It's very important that I keep my mind sharp by reading and writing, but sometimes I then don't have time for my other chores. So I just pop a few pills and stay up all night. It's fabulous!

I don't know how so many moms do it and make it look so easy. I feel like a failure. This post started out about eating/gaining weight, but it's really about so many things. Isn't it funny how many thoughts and feelings are related and constantly bending into each other? How we think eating/hunger is a physiological thing, a need answered. But my brain and stomach are victims of miscommunication. My stomach's sending a message to my brain, "Feed me, feed me," but maybe the emptiness it feels isn't a hunger for food. Sadly I haven't fully realized that until now, and I don't know how to fix or change it. Maybe I'm blowing it out of proportion. I tend to over analyze sometimes.



i am most pleased to report that we got the building permit and contruction of our new home will begin most likely on Monday!!!! photos of progress will follow.

i am likewise happy because i am watching Pride & Prejudice. the book is always better, but i love the movie as well. the girls are at school and i am regrouping from a rough week.

and tonight we are going to see Dark Knight. looking forward to that as well!


f'ing awful day, and it's only 1:45 p.m.

the last few days izzy's been regressing with her potty training. it's been fabulous--really convenient and fun. it's been a real treat taking her car seat out of the car twice in the last 10 days to wash the cover (2 accidents in the car).

as if all of this wasn't fun enough, this morning happened.

it started out as a semi-normal morning, and izzy peed all over the carpet in their room. i cleaned it up and put her in a diaper. i told her when she's ready to be a big girl to let me know, and if she'll begin using the potty regularly again, she can have her panties back. she was less than thrilled with this and threw a fit, but i held firm. we ran some errands and came home mid-morning. i took them downstairs to play while i worked out on the elliptical. afterwards i brought them back up with me and let them play in their room while i showered. mid-shampoo izzy finds her way to my bathroom and announces that she's wet and poopy and it's right then that i notice poop on her legs. i scream at her to "STAY THERE AND DON'T MOVE!" as i hurriedly scramble into a towel (shampoo still in hair, mind you). as i pick her up to bring her to her tub, i notice that there's poop/pee on the carpet of my bedroom, and apparently she stepped in it on her way to inform me. lovely. if you hadn't guessed already, my illustrious daughter took it upon herself to remove her own diaper. she made it clear she didn't want the diaper on and it was obvious to her the best time to take it off was while mommy was in the shower.

so i am dripping wet, shampoo still in my hair and feeling like vomiting. i throw her in the tub, where she proceeds to poop a little more. then i remember the last time we had a similar situation (also documented in this blog), and too late run to grab the dog and shut him up in the laundry room. so now izzy's crying in the tub and has pooped in it; there is more poop and pee on the floor in my bedroom and bathroom; and as i go to bring her dirty clothes and my dirty bath mat to the laundry room, i remember too late Monster is in there and open the door. he goes flying past me to investigate and see if there are any delectable morsels left. I scrape what i can off my carpet and go to drain the tub, shower izzy off, and then clean the tub. i put a clean diaper on izzy and threaten her with many spanks if she dares to pull it off.

fortunately i still have my mother-in-law's handy dandy carpet steam cleaner and i load it up with the cleanser and hot water. i clean my bedroom carpet. i throw in more laundry. i spray down the girls' bathtub a second time and wipe it down well. i sit the girls at the kitchen table with lunch and call my mom, sobbing.

i eventually got back in the shower to finish what i started. i put the girls down for naps and ate some lunch. just as i started to unwind a bit, abby got up (a measly 1/2 hour after i put them down---so it's definitely one of those days around here). i again almost had a drink. i can't take it. why doesn't anyone warn you that motherhood will be this way? why, on this day of all days, can't both of my kids nap for at least an hour and a half so i can get my shit (pun unintended) back together before the 2nd half of the day begins?

i think i'd be really perfect for the lead role in How to Lose Your Mind and Commit Suicide in 10 Days (or Less). i think i'll go buy some poster board and make a sign that reads, "Free To Good Home," and put it in my front yard and sit my kids next to it.

Just kidding!



this has to be quick because my battery's about to die and i have to go pick up the girls.

this morning i almost had to pour myself a drink. this MORNING.
whilst seated at the table eating breakfast, izzy decided to channel the Big Bad Wolf. She said to Abby, "I huff and I B-L-O-W your house down!" Abby started crying and whining and said, "No, you NO blow my house down!" and Izzy continued huffing and puffing until Abby began to scream. And I'm all, "Abby, she is PRETENDING! IT'S NOT REAL!" and swearing under my breath. It went on and on and on. Where do they get this stuff? And curse the woman who told me that the 3s are far, far worse than the 2s.

Someone please shoot me now.


heat wave

we're in the midst of a horrid heat wave. i don't know if it's officially a heat wave, but it sure as hell feels like one. it's currently 100 degrees and the heat index is hovering somewhere near 110. i just returned from a trip to the grocery store with the girls and suffice it to say that i broke a huge sweat without even really exerting myself. it's ridiculous out there. barely a cloud in the sky, sunny, and HUMID. in a word----GROSS.

fall, where art thou?

i suppose it's for the best my dad and kory didn't make it up here over the weekend because they'd surely be miserable as well.

i need a shower and i didn't even DO anything!

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