Suddenly I'm reminded of the summer I was oh, maybe 17? I have a flash of a specific night (much like this) when I was sitting in PJ's uptown on Carrollton (I'm not sure this particular location is still there post-Katrina, may have to investigate when I return home) with my journal (oh how times have changed, as I currently sit here with my laptop), pouring my heart out and saving my empty packet of Sweet & Low, pressing it between the pages as one would a leaf or a flower. Though I was heartbroken and feeling alone, part of me thought I was uber-cool for being at a coffehouse and journaling. I did always tend to feel set apart or somehow ahead of my time in some respects---my friends were mostly out drinking it up (not that I didn't do that on occasion) and having these wonderful, popular, fun lives...while I was sitting by myself at PJ's mourning my love life (or lack thereof), my mess of a family, and my latest failed geometry test.
Is there such a difference between 17 & 32? Yes and no. I'm still wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I still feel 17 on the inside...is that weird? Is that normal? I don't know. I am still a klutz. I still love to read and write and dream about being a famous writer someday. I know that I never will, because I will never DO it, and because I'm such a small person in such a big world and I feel like no one would care about what I'd have to say. I don't even know what all I have to say. There I go. I'm crying in the coffee shop just like I did when I was 17.
I still think too much. I still form intense attachments with people and I get sad when I feel like those people don't like me as much as I like them. I open myself up, pour my heart out, I am fiercely loyal (or so I think)...but I try not to need anyone too much. Does that make sense? I don't like to be/seem needy. But it's funny because as much as I try not to be that way, perhaps that is exactly what I am on the inside--needy--constantly looking for and yearning for acceptance and love. Wanting everyone to like me. Maybe part of that comes from those rough junior high years and Mean Girls. Or maybe that is how everyone is? Doesn't everyone want to be loved/needed/accepted?
Maybe I need to reach out more. Maybe I keep myself at a distance to protect myself. My thoughts are all over the place and this probably isn't making much sense.
This song just came on in here---from the soundtrack to that Natalie Portman movie, Garden State(one of my all-time favorites, by the way)...."Let Go" by Frou Frou is the name of the song. Reminds me of a good friend I lost a long time ago. I have a lot of associations with music. I wish I could listen to more of my own music ("Mommy Music," as my girls call it)....kind of an apropos way to conclude this post...with thoughts of a sweet friend and learning to let go, as it were.
2 comments:
Your paragraph that starts, "I still think too much..." I feel as if you were writing from my very heart. I've just spent the past 2 days basically breaking up with an online forum of women, some of who I am friends with in real life. I've left the group and am trying to sort out who my "real" and genuine friends are. I haven't had this much drama since the mean girls in junior high. It's ridiculous!! However, this is exactly why you should write!! I enjoy your writing so much and this little paragraph right here has touched me and made a huge impact in how my day is ending. It's so wonderful to know that somebody else feels this way. Your writing will make a difference and I'm sure touch the lives of many... but even if it's just one, that's all that counts! What if Stephanie didn't write down her dream that night? What a tragedy that would have been. ;)
Erin - you are such a talented writer, anyone who did not want to read you would be a fool.
I felt as if I was reading my thoughts, my feelings, as I read this post. I always feel as though I scare people away once I open up, that they start to think "oh my word that lady is Crazy"
Why oh why do you have to be 4 states away!?
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