Lately

Lately I've been feeling a slow fog of panic settling in over me, even though it's early and perhaps a little silly. I realized over the weekend that the girls are 3 1/2 years old. How can that be? It seems like just a few months ago my house was a mess of bottles, burp cloths, dirty diapers and hidden stashes of Mylicon and A & D ointment. But it won't be long before they'll be in school 5 days a week.

And then what will I do?

Don't get me wrong---I realize my days will still be full of shuttling them to/from school and extracurricular activities, helping them with homework, plus the daily tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. But clearly I'll have lots more time on my hands, time to hopefully do what I want to do.

But what do I want to do? What am I qualified to do? What am I realistically capable of doing? Shit. It's very scary to me. Yes, I have Bachelor's and Master's degrees in English. I love to read and write, but my short stint at a publishing company in New Orleans proved to me I wasn't cut out for that side of things; and I have zero confidence in my ability to teach. My interests are varied, however, and it could be that I end up dabbling in lots of other random things. You all know I love to be green...I could really focus on doing more of that. Hell, I'd love to work at Whole Foods! I'm not creative---I can barely sew a button on and I definitely can't make dainty crafts to sell on Etsy. I'm not that girl. And I don't know who will hire me after years of being at home with kids and a mushy brain. I am out of the loop for sure.

It's not about the money. I just want to do something for myself, to feel worthy, to feel like I'm a part of something bigger. It's so easy to get wrapped up in your children and forget who you are and how you got there...and while I've loved every minute of being a mom, it's a lonely life sometimes.

The reality is that as much as I've talked about writing a book, it's just not going to happen. I don't know what to do with everything in my head and how to roll it into something cohesive, entertaining, smart, appealing, and witty. It just seems impossible and hugely daunting. And who would really want to read it anyway?

So I don't really know where this post is going. But I haven't posted much of anything "real" recently and I hate that. I need to get back to more substance. Will work on that.

Thanks for reading!