I'm at the coffee shop. Dan has plans that do not include me tonight, and I wasn't about to suffer my children's moods on my own, so I scored a sitter and here I sit.

Suddenly I'm reminded of the summer I was oh, maybe 17? I have a flash of a specific night (much like this) when I was sitting in PJ's uptown on Carrollton (I'm not sure this particular location is still there post-Katrina, may have to investigate when I return home) with my journal (oh how times have changed, as I currently sit here with my laptop), pouring my heart out and saving my empty packet of Sweet & Low, pressing it between the pages as one would a leaf or a flower. Though I was heartbroken and feeling alone, part of me thought I was uber-cool for being at a coffehouse and journaling. I did always tend to feel set apart or somehow ahead of my time in some respects---my friends were mostly out drinking it up (not that I didn't do that on occasion) and having these wonderful, popular, fun lives...while I was sitting by myself at PJ's mourning my love life (or lack thereof), my mess of a family, and my latest failed geometry test.

Is there such a difference between 17 & 32? Yes and no. I'm still wearing jeans and a t-shirt. I still feel 17 on the inside...is that weird? Is that normal? I don't know. I am still a klutz. I still love to read and write and dream about being a famous writer someday. I know that I never will, because I will never DO it, and because I'm such a small person in such a big world and I feel like no one would care about what I'd have to say. I don't even know what all I have to say. There I go. I'm crying in the coffee shop just like I did when I was 17.

I still think too much. I still form intense attachments with people and I get sad when I feel like those people don't like me as much as I like them. I open myself up, pour my heart out, I am fiercely loyal (or so I think)...but I try not to need anyone too much. Does that make sense? I don't like to be/seem needy. But it's funny because as much as I try not to be that way, perhaps that is exactly what I am on the inside--needy--constantly looking for and yearning for acceptance and love. Wanting everyone to like me. Maybe part of that comes from those rough junior high years and Mean Girls. Or maybe that is how everyone is? Doesn't everyone want to be loved/needed/accepted?

Maybe I need to reach out more. Maybe I keep myself at a distance to protect myself. My thoughts are all over the place and this probably isn't making much sense.

This song just came on in here---from the soundtrack to that Natalie Portman movie, Garden State(one of my all-time favorites, by the way)...."Let Go" by Frou Frou is the name of the song. Reminds me of a good friend I lost a long time ago. I have a lot of associations with music. I wish I could listen to more of my own music ("Mommy Music," as my girls call it)....kind of an apropos way to conclude this post...with thoughts of a sweet friend and learning to let go, as it were.

NOLA bound

So two weeks from today we'll be in NOLA. I'm super psyched and really looking forward to it. We'll be celebrating my dad's 60th birthday and just hanging out. Dan is staying for 1/2 the week, but the girls and I will be there for a full week...which means that I'll be flying solo with them on the way back to KC. I'm trying to push the thought way to the back of my mind so I don't obsess about it. I've never flown with them on my own before, and I'm not the greatest flyer to begin with. I am mostly just worried about handling them and any tantrums/fits & trips to the lovely, germ-ridden airplane restroom--because I have no doubt at least one of my children will feel the need to christen it at some point during that day, despite using the airport restrooms prior to and in between flights (we have a layover in Dallas).

I've bought them their first official little backpacks and am going to stuff them liberally with crayons, little notebooks, Barbies, toy cell phones, candy, stickers, etc. We also have a portable dvd player. Beyond that, I'm simply going to pray. And have a drink if necessary (though that could potentially look very bad and I certainly don't want anyone calling Child Protection Services on me). In the past on various occasions I've been able to rely on the kindness of complete strangers. Having twins seems to attract attention anyway, and other moms in particular are usually very helpful/sympathetic. So we'll see. We haven't traveled very much with the girls at all, and when we have the destination has always been New Orleans. It is my hope that this will go well and perhaps I could even take them on my own for a long weekend or two later in the summer...

In other news, I think I've plateaued/hit a wall with Jazzercise. I'm not getting any smaller/losing any weight....which is frustrating because the routines change every 10 weeks for that very reason---to trick your body into thinking you're doing new exercises. Some of my shorts from last summer are too tight---and I was considering that perhaps I've added more bulk to my body (i.e. muscle). My thyroid has also been all over the place. I am trying not to get on the scale as frequently because it makes me sad. I hate focusing on a number, and I am incapable of starving myself. Maybe someday I will look back at this time and wish I hadn't spent it obsessing/being unhappy with my figure. But for now I can't help it. The grass is always greener. Part of it is accepting that I do not have a tiny frame---I am big boned. I am tall. I am not petite. I will never be one of those cute little things. I am me. And I need to learn to be okay with that.


love this....


thoughts on grammar

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a stickler for grammar/spelling, etc. I confess one of my major pet peeves is poor grammar---perhaps because it's something we all learn in elementary school and because writing is one of the primary ways we present ourselves to others. It can be a horrible first impression if you can't grasp the simplest of rules. I'd love to take this opportunity to go over the most common/glaring mistakes.

Lesson 1: Your & You're
Your denotes possession, i.e. "I love your sweater."(think of his, hers, its, theirs--these all denote possession without using an apostrophe!!)
You're = you are. The apostrophe alerts you to a missing letter, the "a." For example, "You're going to the movies with me tonight." In the same vein, it's = it is.

Lesson 2: To, Too, and Two
To is a preposition, i.e. "We are going to the mall."
Too means also, i.e. "She likes pink, too."
Two is a number, i.e. "We have two daughters."

Lesson 3: Should have
I swear if I read one more thing that says, "I should of studied more." That makes ZERO sense. It should instead read, "I should have studied more." Of is a preposition and doesn't belong in that sentence. Period. End of story.

I will have to ponder on some more and add them later. Or feel free to submit your own!

I realize some people think this is really silly, but if I was trying to hire someone for a job and saw mistakes like these on a resume, cover letter, etc., I'd run the other way. It amazes me how some people got through elementary school, high school, and college without ever fully comprehending these basic rules....although I did work in the Millsaps Writing Center and we were encouraged not to correct students' grammar errors. I think the general consensus was it was a waste of our time, and if those people didn't know their grammar by then, they would never learn it at all....


I just *finally* visited Bon Bon Atelier in Westport (their blog is featured on my favorites list), and LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!!!!! I scored some Orla Kiely stationery, a handmade/repurposed t-shirt purse, and an adjustable ring with a pink fabric flower on it. Couldn't resist. Check it out:

I was also salivating over their darling aprons and wondered if buying one would inspire me to cook more/cook better. But I was trying to behave. I wish I could sew/create/be creative, because they have so many darling fabrics and ribbon and things....I could just cry.

I'm thrilled it's Friday! We're heading to the Royals game this evening, and it's supposed to be H-O-T. I might have to wear shorts .

More later. Stay tuned.

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