Sunday Stealing one day early

If you'd like to play, go here.

1. Is there anybody you just wish would fall off the planet? Maybe Fred Phelps. His people picket at my synagogue weekly. It's really very sad and frustrating.

2. How do you flush the toilet in public? Always with my foot/shoe. Why on earth would you ever use your hand?? I don't care if you wash it afterwards, it's the principle of the thing. It's too gross. I can't bring myself to touch it with my hand.

3. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? ALWAYS

4. Do you have a crush on someone? just my husband. Oh and Clive Owen. And the dude who plays Edward Cullen in Twilight. And my girl crush is Reese Witherspoon. I could really go on and on.

5. Name one thing you worry about running out of. Tampons and gasoline.

6. What famous person do you (or other people) think you resemble? I've been told Sandra Bullock and Amanda Peet. Go ahead & laugh.

7. What is your favourite pizza topping? any veggies--but NO BELL PEPPERS!

8. Do you crack your knuckles? no way Jose

9. What song do you hate the most? What is the name of that dumb song, "Birthday Sex?" Tell me I'm not the only one who's heard that shit. It's awful.

10. Did just mentioning that song make it get stuck in your head? Yes, thanks sooooo much.

11. What are your super powers? I can read super fast. I can also encourage good behavior in my children by dosing them with large amounts of sugar.

12. Peppermint or spearmint? Peppermint

13. Where are your car keys? in my purse

14. Last song you listened to? Kings of Leon, "Sex on Fire"

15. What's your most annoying habit? I interrupt people. Frequently. Especially my husband, apparently

16. Where did you last go on vacation? Washington DC for a wedding

17. What is your best physical feature? um, I don't know. I'm not good at saying positive things about myself. I have nicely shaped biceps from Jazzercise, I guess. But I'm not all ripped like Madge or anything, don't worry.

18. What CD is closest to you right now? something kiddie, probably Laurie Berkner.

19. What 3 things can always be found in your refrigerator? milk, cheese, & yogurt

20. What superstition do you believe/practice? I do knock on wood. Does that count? Otherwise I don't throw salt over my shoulder or anything like that.

21. What colour are your bed sheets? a pretty bluish grey. Solid.

22. Would you rather be a fish or a bird? a bird. I would love to fly and tweet.

23. Last thing you broke? a nail when I was trying to open my Shatto milk bottle

24. What are you having to eat tonight? I don't know. We're taking my mother-in-law and my dad and Kory out to dinner. I will likely have something seafood-y.

25. What colour shirt are you wearing? pink, baby!

26. If you could be doing anything else today, what would you rather be doing? getting a facial. Seems like I just mentioned that. lol.

27. Do security cameras make you nervous? no

28. If you wrote a book about your life, what would the title be?

29. Last time you went to a cemetery? I guess maybe 2 years ago or so when we had the stone setting for Hubby's grandmother

30. Last concert you went to? Dave Matthews

31. Favourite musician(s)/bands you've seen in concert? Dave Matthews (but I haven't been to many concerts as I have a crowd phobia thing)

32. Next concert you're planning to attend? I would love to go to a Sarah McLachlan concert. Or Jewel. Or Madonna. You're laughing again, aren't you?

33. Do you talk to yourself? yes

34. Have you ever adopted or purchased a pet? yes

35. Have you ever been present when an animal is being born? no, but I've seen some on tv, and I would love to do this someday...would also love to watch a baby being born


Friday Fill-Ins # 145

(If you'd like to play along, please go here.)

1. Sweet dreams to my kiddos who are hopefully in nap-land right now!
2. Soon I hope I get some time especially for me.
3. Silliness is a prerequisite for having children.
4. I am going to dress up this Halloween. Particular costume is still in question. I'm working on it (and that doesn't mean I'm making it, by the way, as I'm anything but crafty)
5. Outstanding or not, the dessert has been scarfed. I can't pass up dessert.
6. A facial is what I want right now!
7. As for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to dinner with my dad, Kory, Hubby and the girls. Tomorrow my plans include a trip to a fall/Halloween/pumpkin kid carnival thingie, and on Sunday I want to see the Andy Warhol exhibit at Union Station.
** Please try not to miss me too much, as I won't be posting as often while my dad is in town. And Monday Hubby and I are hosting a large gathering here at our house, so it's going to be kinda crazy.


Oh wow! I'm not alone!

Amanda over at My Life...Badly Written is an angel here on earth. She is amazing, and I've just discovered her blog. At any rate, Amanda just read my last post (you know, the one about my ass) and she was thoughtful enough to comment and refer me to her dear friend Mary Jane, who apparently has a similar problem. You can read about it here. Amanda, thank you again--it's a wonderful feeling to know I'm not alone. And Mary Jane, it's lovely to meet you! I'm excited I've found you to share in ass problems together!

This made my day! A huge thank you to both of you ladies!


Mortifying Moments in My Life (TMI Thursday, slightly early edition)

**If I had waited another hour before posting this, it would have qualified for "TMI Thursday." Alas, I was not that patient. Just pretend.**

I was commenting on a friend's post earlier today and briefly wrote about having had ass surgery. Said friend indicated that it might make a lovely blog post and perhaps be quite amusing. Do I dare? I'm about to find out and so are you. Let's hold hands and journey together, shall we?

Picture this:

It's 2004 and we've just moved to KC from New Orleans. Like, as in the day before. We'd been trying unsuccessfully to get pregnant for nearly a year and we'd just learned that I had a problem (and it wasn't just that Kansas didn't have poboys, pralines or pirogues). No, it was far more serious. A frowny, furrow-your-brow and scratch your head kind of serious. Defunct ovaries, you see. Lazy ovaries that don't do their freakin' job. All they have to do is push out one measly egg per month, but NOOOOOO. Mine refuse. They picket. They parade around with signs that say, "We won't work for this jerk! We are thugs who want drugs!"

Because my husband is in the medical field we were able to get in to see one of the most sought- after reproductive endocrinologists (that's a fancy phrase for doctors who stick strange instruments inside of you to knock you up) in town as soon as we got here. We basically drove from NOLA to KC, unloaded our U-Haul, went to bed, woke up the next morning and went to see the baby doctor for a 3-hour consult riddled with labs, pelvic exam, ultrasound, and some uncomfortable other tests.

The doctor immediately prescribed a regimen of Metformin. Now, I don't know what this shiggedy is, but when I say that the side effects set in right away, I mean that within 2-3 hours of my first dose I became bosom buddies with my toilet.

Hubby and I had each enlisted a friend to help us move (my friend Adele, Hubby's friend Nathan), plus my mom had come with us....so it's Monday and I've just started taking this DRUG FROM HELL. We decide to take our friends and my mom out to lunch on the Plaza to thank them for all of their blood, sweat, and tears. I ate a gigantic salad for lunch that was really great. Then we started walking around on the Plaza to see if there were any cool new things for our new home.

When we were in Pottery Barn, it hit me.

The sudden lurching and gurgle that stops you in your tracks. Oh no, please God, not now. NO NO NO, I can't poop at Pottery Barn! And most definitely not with my friend right here, etc. So I scoot to the front of the store, pretending I've got my eye on some fabulous flatware. I quickly walk out the front door and run to the Barnes & Noble which is right next door. I run up the stairs to the restroom. Thankfully it's empty. My salad, which I just forked over $12 for, is now back in the toilet looking up at me. And maybe my breakfast, too. I feel like hell, all clammy and sweaty. I'm convinced something in my salad was bad. The eggs, maybe?

When it's all over, I splash cold water on my face and go out to look around. To my utter dismay, my friend Adele is right there. She's seen me exiting the restroom. Which wouldn't matter that much except that I'm now overcome with the urge to go right back in there. I try to play it off for a few minutes, hiding out in the self-help section, and when I think she's not looking I tiptoe back into the bathroom to lose whatever guts I have left. Only then she's IN the bathroom, calling my name. I weakly respond that yes, I am in there, and I don't know that I've ever been so mortified in my life---oh, but wait, yes I have, and that is still to come.

Long story short (or not so short, as the case may be), I got so sick I went home and left them to shop all afternoon and later go to a Royals baseball game. I was in bed. I was sure I had the stomach flu or food poisoning.

Only it didn't go away. Eventually we figured out it was the medicine making me ill. I called my doctor, who assured me this was normal, but that the symptoms would lessen as my body adjusted to the drug. She also encouraged me to take Metamucil, which confused me. I didn't need any help, that much I was sure of. But she said it would have the opposite effect and stop the runs.

Um, no. Things quickly went from bad to worse, but I was so desperate to have a baby I thought I needed to toughen up and suck it up and just deal with it. This medicine, after all, was supposed to kick my ovaries into gear, whip 'em into shape, and make them spit out those coveted eggs we needed. But all it did was cause me to have chronic, violent diarrhea, nausea, sweats, chills, aches....it was awesome! It was also a great way to start off in a new city where I had no friends and no baby to speak of. "Hi, I'm Erin. I can't leave my house because I can't get off my toilet. Wanna be my friend?"

One day it wasn't just diarrhea. It was bloody diarrhea. And pain, lots of that. I could barely move. I cried. I was embarrassed. I didn't know what to do. So I told Hubby. He told me I needed to see a doctor. Um, NO? I tried not to, I really did. But one day I could hardly get out of bed. So I called Hubby, he called this doctor, and she told me to come in right then.

I went to her office. They took me back right away. I was shaking and crying. I cannot begin to tell you how embarrassed I was. I remember I was wearing (of all things) a Phi Mu Founder's Day t-shirt. I had to drop trou, of course, but the shirt stayed on. Dr. O asked me to curl up in a ball on my side. She was very gentle and barely even touched me. She said, "You're a Phi Mu?" "Yes," I squeaked. "So am I," she said. Great. I've always wanted a sister/fellow alumna to be looking at my asshole. That's a fabulous way to meet someone!

She was done quickly. She snapped off her gloves, looked at me and said, "You have a very deep fissure. That's what is bleeding, that's why you're hurting so much. You've torn internally." Nice. Really, really nice.

Man, I knew someone was shoving knives up my ass, I just knew it! I wanna know who cut my colon and why---what did I do to deserve this shit?

When I told her about the Metformin she told me I had to stop taking it immediately. I got hysterical because I didn't want to ruin our fertility treatments. She was very firm, though. She prescribed some medications to help with the pain. She insisted on calling my baby doctor herself to explain the severity of the situation. My baby doc in turn called me, apologizing profusely and asking why I hadn't told her what was going on. But I had.

The medications alleviated my discomfort, but the fissure was stubborn and wouldn't heal. Long story short, I had to have ass surgery. The first one was a Botox injection. Now, we all want Botox, don't we? Yeah, but not in my ass, thank you very much. You see, the Botox paralyzes the spasm of the sphincter muscle. This allows the fissure to heal.

I was so anxious about this surgery (it's done in the OR, but not under general anesthesia--just twilight) that I remember they had to re-dose me twice with Versed while I was waiting to go back. All I could think about was all these people staring at my exposed ass while I was asleep. Seriously, do I not win some kind of award for going through this? And can you honestly tell me you've been through something similar or worse? LAY IT ON ME!

Just when I thought all my problems were solved, I realized the Botox wasn't going to cut it. I wound up right back where I started. The Botox is the less invasive/non-surgical option. So then it was time to pull out the big guns---the sphincterotomy. Doesn't it just sound SO SCARY? Let me tell you, it was no picnic. The last thing I remember is the anesthesiologist put the face mask on me, and then two people at the foot of the bed hoisted my bare legs into these pulleys and yanked them up to the ceiling. When I woke up, the pain was unimaginable. And by this point, I had a C-section under my belt to compare it to. Ass surgery won, hands down. I'll take another C-section any day---it was a walk in the park to have my belly cut open. Just please don't cut my sphincter muscle again.

What was your most embarrassing moment? Can you top this?
All my cards are out on the table. My ass, too. Are you sad I don't have any photos to share (j/k) with this one?

more bloggy love

Lee over at Hormones, Headaches & Hot Flashes is totally buttering me up with this award. Lee, thank you so much. You are such an inspiration to me and I really appreciate all of your help, support, and love. We bloggy gals need to stick together!
I'm not sure what Lee's ulterior motives are, but suffice it to say I'm mightily suspicious. Lee, be forewarned; I'm watching you! Lee is plumping my ego with all the praise she's given me. She told me that I "shine!" It's like I said---she's working on something, I just don't know what!
I don't think there are any particular "rules" for this award, so I'm going to pass it on to some bloggy friends I've recently discovered & am following with great joy. So, without further adieu, I hereby bestow this award upon the following lovely ladies:
These chicks are super smart and I'm so excited to have found them either through SITS or other bloggy friends. Please check them out immediately and FOLLOW THEM! I promise they will brighten your day and make you smile.


We got into it this morning.

Apparently I'm not showing enough sympathy.

Also, Hubby suddenly wants to read my blog when he's never shown an interest before. I panicked and removed the URL from my Facebook page (otherwise I'm not sure he knows how to find it). I was going to delete some posts, but I don't really want to. This is me and this is what I'm feeling.

We need to talk it all out. And it's not going to be pretty. He still can't accept responsibility for his actions, and until he does, I'm not sure I can move forward. I don't know.

I think it's ironic that of all the times to want to read my blog (for the first time, mind you), he picks now. When I've been venting and not writing very pretty things about it.

Some of you are saying "I told you so," because you don't post personal things like this on your blogs. But I need an outlet sometimes. I don't divulge horrid secrets here or anything like that. But this had to be discussed. I had to get it off my chest.

We are trying to get a sitter for a little while tonight so we can grab a bite alone and talk about everything. I'm not looking forward to it, but I know it has to be done.



I haven't had an awful lot to say, at least anything that is appropriate for sharing with the public. I am having a really rough time saying anything that isn't riddled with a ridiculous amount of profanity, and I definitely don't want to offend any of my new followers (I LOVE YOU!!). On the other hand, this is me, and if you don't like it, then you probably won't like my blog, either!

My husband is unable to do much. He can't help bathe the kids, he can't help them tie their shoes or put their socks on. He can't even put his OWN socks on, much to my chagrin. Thank G-d he can wipe his own tush, because if not we'd be in serious trouble. That is where I draw the line!! He can't serve himself a meal without making a total mess. He can't wash dishes, he can't put his own sling on.

The orthopedist he saw yesterday said at least two full weeks without operating on anyone, but in the interim he's seeing patients in the office for follow ups or to schedule surgeries for later on. Frankly I was incredulous when the doc said two weeks. He has to have repeat x-rays next week and then he'll begin physical therapy. If the bones have shifted any further this could change the prognosis...

I was able to escape for a Girls' Night Out Monday night (it had been on the books for a few weeks, so I wasn't about to cancel), but my mother-in-law had to come over to help him out with the kids while I was gone. I felt a little guilty, but I pushed it aside and went anyway.

My two good friends and I went out for sushi and had some wine. I got a text message from him during dinner that said, "Will you please get me some Milk of Magnesia on your way home?" A silver lining! He's constipated from all the pain meds. Serves him right I say. So I played the good wife and stopped at the grocery store at 9:30 on my way home. I got home and he was upstairs in bed. I started to pour him some of it and he said, "Nah, I don't want to take it tonight. I'll just wait til tomorrow morning."

I was LIVID. I wouldn't have even bothered. Get your own goddamn Milk of Magnesia next time. I had to stand in line and they had to do a price check and everything---I was mortified. And it wasn't even medicine for me. I made sure to complain loudly about my husband while I was waiting. I'm sure everyone thought I was a loon or just plain lying.


A Poorly Written Poem Inspired by Recent Events

So you've broken your clavicle in two places
Playing flag football and running rat races.

It hurts like a sonofabitch
and your bandages & sling make you itch.

They pumped you full of pain meds
And I thought you'd go home to bed...

But instead you went back out on the town
And told the bartender, "Pour me another round!"

You love drinking & hanging out with your friends
But please tell me where the stupidity ends?

"I'm going back to work tomorrow," you say in denial.
Do you also think you could go out and run a few miles?

Sometimes I wonder if you've developed amnesia
From the pain meds that caused you to need Milk of Magnesia.

As I hold the giant blue bottle and stand in a long line,
I assure everyone around it's for that dumb husband o' mine.

We're going to see the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow
And perhaps then you'll start to feel some sorrow.

Won't it be fun to walk around at work with your arm in a sling
With people whispering behind your back, "What was he thinking?!!?"

You can't help with the kids' baths or opening your childproof-capped bottles
But I'm glad because it also means you can't drive your Porsche full throttle.

Instead of being a man you were acting like a boy.
Next time remember: a football is not a toy.

vent & lament

Can I just vent a sec?

Am I the only one whose purse reeks of tuna fish & peanut butter & jelly sammies? Am I the only one with goldfish cracker crumbs in every crevice of my pocketbook? Is there a large, unsightly wet spot on your bag from lugging around cold drinks? If you answered yes to any of these, it must mean that you, too, went to the movies recently and refused to pay those astronomical prices (it could also just mean you're a mother of several small children like I am!).

We were lucky enough to go at 1 p.m. (Hubby went with us since he was, A-HEM, unable to go to work today), so we got cheap early-bird tickets ($4 each). But drinks, popcorn, hot dogs, etc. are so ridiculously overpriced I can't stand it. So I plan ahead. We did splurge on some popcorn because that is the highlight of any trip to the movies, at least as far as the girls are concerned. But the rest? I packed it up in my purse. Sandwiches, Diet Coke for Hubby, water for me, Capri Sun Roarin' Waters for the girls. Some goldfish and napkins. My purse weighed a ton and I was afraid people would think my armpits smelled of tuna, not my purse.

Do you pack your own snacks when you go to the movies? We don't go very often, but I still can't justify it. I'm sure there will come a day when my children are quite embarrassed by this sort of thing, but until then, I'm going to have a purse that reeks of tuna fish sandwiches.


Sunday Stealing from Lee & Kyslp

I'm Sunday Stealing from Lee who in turn Sunday Stole from Kyslp. So am I a thief squared??? Oh well. Anyway, here it is.

1. What was the last thing you put in your mouth? last night was bad. Rice Krispie Treats, some muffins, and cookies. I was coping with my anger from Hubby's "accident."

2. Where was your profile picture taken? at a party at our country club a little over a year ago.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero? No. Is that a Wii game? We don't own a Wii, which is another post all on its own.

4. Name someone who made you laugh today. I haven't laughed today. It's not a laughing kind of day, not after yesterday.

5. How late did you stay up last night and why? about 10:30 ish. I was exhausted. I didn't go out and I don't usually stay up too late. I'm lame that way.

6. If you could move somewhere else where would you and why? somewhere quiet and peaceful, maybe in the mountains? Someplace with crisp, clean air and no smog.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? maybe? I don't remember.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? I have a few friends within a few blocks, which is really nice. But my older friends (i.e. from high school/college) are all far away & spread out.

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? With benefits? ummm NO AND NO THANK YOU!

10. Do you like Dr. Pepper? Hate it, tastes like prunes. Used to be a Diet Coke gal, but I gave it up about two months ago and I feel so much better for it!

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? Probably at a funeral I went to last month.

12. Who took your profile picture? I don't remember, someone else at the party.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? My kiddos being goofy.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Why? NO NO NO. See my post from last night.

15. Can you live a day without TV? Yes. I don't watch that much tv anymore.

16. Are you upset about anything now? Yes, I'm upset about my husband.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Sometimes.

18. Are you a bad influence? nah. I'm kinda boring & lame.

19. Night out or night in? I'm usually in. But I enjoy "out"every so often, like tomorrow night for Girls' Night Out!

20. What items could you not go without during the day? Computer, cell phone, my car, snacks.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? Ironically, my husband. YESTERDAY.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? it's about the Alzheimer's Walk yesterday

23. How do you feel about your life right now? Alright, I guess.

24. Do you hate anyone? skinny bitches & liars. fake people.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook inbox, what would we find? random messages mostly about the Alzheimer's Walk I did yesterday morning.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? yes

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Ha! Hell NO!

28. What song is stuck in your head? "Let's Go Swimming" by Laurie Berkner

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2 a.m., who do you want it to be? Someone coming to kidnap me and take me someplace amazing/fun

30. Do you (or did you)want to have grandkids before you’re 50? No, not before 50. Yikes.

31. Tell us about your Saturday night. Went to the pharmacy to pick up pain meds and Colace for my husband. Came home. Helped him shower and and get dressed to go out. Then I made a Lean Cuisine and followed it with cookies, muffins, etc. as stated above. Watched a bit of tv, blogged, nothing terribly exciting. Seethed and stewed over the flag football incident. Went to bed.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Too much. WAY too much.

33. Do you smile a lot? I think I need to work on smiling more.

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