The Resolutions I'm Not Going To Make This Year, or, Why New Year's Is Stupid

I don't do New Year's Resolutions. Seriously, they're a fantastic way for me to fail miserably with the same old things: dieting, motherhood, exercise, that nasty pot habit etc. I think the whole concept is a mite silly, considering that January 1 is just like any other day, and not a heck of a lot different than December 31.
Besides, if you make resolutions on January 1, you know you have 364 more days to procrastinate work on them. That's a lot of time to waste. Or at least that's how my mind works. Anyshizzle, I should write about the resolutions I don't intend to make or keep this year instead. Perhaps I'll end up surprising myself? Eh, not likely. But whatevs. And if you've been reading me for a while, you know that I quit Diet Coke several months ago cold turkey. Have never felt better and am so glad I did it. And guess what?? IT WASN'T ON NEW YEAR'S, PEOPLE! Since when should we need some formal excuse to do something good for ourselves or for others?

So, for 2010...

I will NOT resolve to eat less. Because the reality is that my thyroid/metabolism is out of my hands. Or this is the lie I continue to tell myself. These extra pounds are not going anywhere unless I seriously deprive myself. I only get cranky when I do that, so what's the point? I may eat less for a few weeks, but then I'll be right back where I started. I might make an effort to pay more attention to each morsel that finds its way into my mouth, but...I'm incapable of being anorexic. I might choose steamed cauliflower over twice-baked potatoes most of the time occasionally.

I will NOT resolve to exercise more.  Because the reality is that the more I Jazzercise, the hungrier I get. Which then means I eat. all. the. time. I have this funky mentality that exercising gives me license to eat more of whatever I want, which is so screwed up. I think, "Oh, I can have some Rice Krispy treats because I worked out this morning!" Well, it's my own dumb fault that these extra pounds have found their way to my ass come on. So if I exercise less, maybe I will eat less....and thence kill two birds with one stone? Eh, not likely.

I will NOT resolve to be a better mother. Because the reality is that the twins gang up on me and it's two against one all day every day. I might try to yell a little less and I may not beat them senseless anymore, but quite frankly I'm never going to be June Cleaver. I swear my kids are so manipulative for only 4 years old and I have no idea where they learned such behavior. It's appalling. I might try to be a better mother if they try to behave better. An eye for an eye, know what I mean?

I will NOT resolve to stop making fun of my family on my blog. Oh, wait, I just realized I forgot to blog about the charred slightly overcooked lovely meatloaf my mom made for us the evening we arrived in New Orleans. She thought it would be a marvelous idea to put it in the oven as she left for the airport to pick us up. Did I mention that the gridlock traffic was a nightmare being that it was Christmas week, not to mention that our bags took forever to come out, and also that security had airport traffic down to one lane for some reason? So that poor meatloaf was in the oven for oh, I don't know, maybe two hours? And while I did blog about my dad's crazy Japanese terlets, I tastefully left out a post on all the male nudes hanging in his house. That would've been funny. But a girl's gotta draw the line somewhere, right?

I will NOT resolve to be a better blogger. I have all these lofty, crazy posts in my head and they never make it into BlogLand. I will also NOT resolve to finish NoMoSlackMo, the kinder version of NaNoWriMo (Nat'l Novel Writing Month). I am behind already (surprise, surprise), and basically since NoMo began on January 1, it seems like a formal resolution which means I'm destined not to keep it.
I will NOT resolve to dress better. There is nothing wrong with my clothes. I will NOT resolve to shower daily. It's wintertime, my skin is flaky gross really dry, and it's not like I'm getting that dirty. I will NOT resolve to get my shit together once and for all. Because that would just be so unlike me. I will NOT resolve to stop watching crappy reality television. It's just so entertaining. I will NOT resolve to read 200 books this year. I read a lot, but no sense in another goal I won't achieve. I will NOT resolve to stop drinking so much Kendall Jackson Chardonnay. It's just too good and a mommy's gotta have her Mommy Juice, ya know? I will NOT resolve to clean out all the closets. Because it's too much work and I'm not in the mood. I will NOT resolve to drink more milk because my thyroid disease makes me prone to osteowhateever. I like milk and all, but there are so many other things I'd rather spend calories on. I will NOT resolve to use the computer less. It is my lifeline, my link to the outside world when inside I am being beaten and harassed by two four-year-olds with lungs like you wouldn't believe. I will NOT resolve to write more. Writing is intimidating. And it's hard to do when you can't concentrate, i.e. when the kids are around. It's also hard to do when I'm tired. And when I know it's going to suck and I'm going to have writer's block.

I think I resolve to end this here.