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After my college graduation ceremony, my mom and her sister came back to my dorm room to help me finish packing in order to move me back home. My Auntie Maureen had a fabulous idea: she took the purple sheets off of my bed, spread them out on the floor, and began tossing my clothes, shoes, notebooks, cd's, and whatever else she could find on top of them. Then we wrapped the sheets up, twisted the ends and hauled the bulging Santa-like sacks out to the parking lot.
My ornery grandfather and one of my brothers were already waiting for us there in my car, a Nissan Altima. Mom and Auntie Maureen sat in the front, and I sat in the back in the middle (I was in no shape to drive, having just said a tearful goodbye to my boyfriend), flanked by Grandpa on one side and my brother, Kevin, on the other. As soon as Mom careened the car onto I-55 South, Grandpa started jabbing me with his bony elbow.
"Move over," he grumbled at me.
"Grandpa, there's not a ton of room back here, I'm doing the best I can," I assured him, as I scrunched myself up smaller to appease him. Annie Altima wasn't a large car to begin with.
After more grunting and grumbling, he says it, words I can't forget:
"Well maybe if your shoulders weren't so broad and you weren't so big," he barked.
My mom's eyes caught mine in the rearview mirror. Don't listen to him, they said. Yet it was too late.
I had never noticed my broad shoulders before, but ever since I catch myself---hunching, shrinking to fit, trying to make myself smaller. More agreeable. Passive. Invisible. All because of a thoughtless comment uttered 12 years ago.
I won't do it anymore. For anyone. You see, I am cultivating a nice pair of cojones. You can't step on me anymore. You can't whittle me down and force me to fit into the space you've provided.
This is the end of an era. It's been a long time coming.
I will not shrink to fit.
79 comments:
Good for you. Hold you head high and your shoulders broadly. You are woman; we will listen to you roar :)
Great word! I used cojones today on my blog too.
I remember my dad telling me one time that I was getting too "hippy". I had spent my entire life appeasing him trying to be the perfect daughter. So I know too well where you're coming from with this post. Glad to see your fighting spirit!
Excellent! It's sad how those things stay with us for so long. I'm glad you're fighting back now. I love your ballsy attitude!
Damn good thing it is...not to shrink to fit!
You've got a Bumpit now girl - USE IT!
I spent a good part of my life trying to fit in so many spaces & places. Again, I am trying to shrink my body this time however, it is for me & my health. Not for a boy to notice me or to gain my mother's approval just for ME!!
My take is broad shoulders are strong and have the ability to carry the weight of the world when everyone around us seems to sag under the weight.
Keeping growing those cojones.
From one broad shouldered girl to another...I love your attitude. (My mother called me a hangar once-the things we remember...)
Oh it is so sweet to be back and reading your wonderful words of wisdom again!
you go, girl. blame it on a generation gap… men said what they wanted, no matter the appropriateness. if only there was an automatic stun gun for comments like that. (there would be men strewn everywhere, i fear)
good for you for standing tall. i don't know if you have daughters (or what difference gender makes, but girls tend to struggle with this more) but we need to teach our children that GOD makes no mistakes. we all have our "broad shoulders." for some it's super curly hair, bump on the nose, too big feet, knock knees, skimpy eyelashes… for me it is scoliosis resulting in a non-symmetrical hump back and uneven hips. i've been super self conscious about it, but i give up. God made me this way, and to hate it, is to question God's sovereignty. i've learned to see how that issue has molded me as a person.
and now i have so much fat surrounding those hips, who can see they're uneven!?
I totally have man shoulders!!!!!!! My grandpa never commented on them though. Yikes.
Good for you, Mama. I love it. DO NOT SHRINK TO FIT. There is absolutely NO NEED! AMEN to that!
What the hell is wrong with broad shoulders?
I mean, you have to have something to hold onto when you're behind a woman, ramming...
...your knee into her back as you arrest her for coke.
What the hell did you THINK I was going to say?
That's right! Way to call it and follow it :) Isn't it crazy how we can remember and carry such terrible little ego destroyers, but much of the positive stuff we either never hear or eventually forget?
Oh, my heart aches for all the pain that came from that one comment. I know too many women who have been hurt by some random, flippant comment about their appearance.
I was lucky enough to get large cajones from my dad and I rarely give a crap what people think/say about me. Which can sometimes be detrimental too;)
Keep your head up and your shoulders back. Walk tall, girl!
Way to go. That is the way to be!!
You go girl! Heck, even hunching won't make my big old shoulders look small. They just look like big shoulders hunched.... go figure.
***Ally
Oh, and for the record? When I look at your pics or vlog? It never once occurred to me that you had big shoulders. Not once.
I'm with Two Normal Moms. What "broad shoulders?"
But for the record, I just saw a pic of myself with SHOULDER pads. Nice broad shoulders punctuate the the body's torso with a nice shape!
So there to Gramps!
Here, here! I can't tell you how many years I clung to a comment by a teacher with probably good intentions who made me always worry about participating and asserting myself too much. For years, I worried about not raising my hand to much, not being too assertive. But years later, when people were telling me men found me "intimidating" (but in a good way) and I still wanted to raise my hand and share my thoughts, I finally said "screw it."
So glad you are owning your "big" shoulders and I am owning my big mouth. lol.
Good for you! It's sad that people say such heartless things and we carry around their baggage for years.
You go girl!
I wonder what makes old people think they can say whatever they damn well please?
We were just having this conversation last week at work. When I was a senior in high school, we visited my grandparent's in Florida for spring break. While we were there my Mom and I went shopping for a prom dress. I found the perfect one, and when we got back to my grandparent's house I tried it on to model it. At some point, my Grandpa declared that I was "fat."
At that time I was devastated. Thinking about it now, it makes me a little pissed. I'm 5'5" and at that time weighed 112 pounds, there's no way I was fat and I totally should have called him out on it!
Good for you...grandpas are wonderful, but can also have a big impact with some of their naive comments...Im glad you wont shrink to fit..its never ever comfortable..!
WTF? Seriously, what kind of a grandpa says something like that?
My grandma once poked my mom's stomach in front of me and muttered something about being too soft. My mom was a size 4! And even though she was an adult with kids of her own I could see the pain in her face from that one comment. I will NEVER make comments about my daughter's body. EVER.
I will send you a polisher for sometimes brass ones get a little sweaty & tarnished ;o)
anyways - you go girl!!!
Wow, you put on your big girl panties fo' sho'.
Don't you just hate sitting on the hump? I would have waited for the next bus.
It's both amazing and sad how one cruel comment can stick with us for so long. I'm happy to hear you're not shrinking to fit anymore! You go girl.
You go Erin! I need to let go of the hurtful things said in the past. Your such a strong woman and a great inspiration.
Fantastic post! God made you with broad shoulders for a reason...flaunt em'. Never apologize for yourself.
and you shouldn't m'luv, because the Erin I know and love...she's larger than life!...and coming atcha live!
Some people blossom early...some wither on the vine...but you, you're a plant of constant growth....and continuous blooms....
~hl~
Broad shoulders? whatever.
You are still the woman! You rock!
Can't believe your grandpa said that after a break-up too.
Kudos to you for forgiving him.
Glad you can read me now.
i think my other blog is best viewed in Mozilla Firefox in case you are wondering.
See ya around!
Big giant thumbs up! Good for you! You are who you are and if people don't like it, it's their problem, not yours. ;) Better to have broad shoulders (I'm sure yours are just perfect for you) than to be a grump!
I've got broad shoulders, too. I can do a hell of a butterfly stroke. I can also carry my boys on my shoulders. And, I look good in a sleeveless dress.
Own those beautiful shoulders.
GOOD FOR YOU! You know why? Because I'm quite sure you are perfect just exactly as you are!
LOL! My Paw-Paw's first words to me when I visited were "you look like you've lost weight" or "you look like you've gained weight." No wonder I developed a serious case of bulimia in college!
"I will not shrink to fit."
That is probably one of my favorite things that I have read in a long time.
Comments like that really stick with me also, but good for you for rising above it!
I love the last line so much. :)
Good for you. I have broad shoulders that I like because they are strong.
sounds very empowering erin! good for you girl! big hugs
Good for you, so many times I find I do the same thing and then other times wowzer did that just come out of my mouth :).
You go my dear it's good to be a strong person!
I love that - "will not shrink to fit." I think as women, we often grow up believing it's our DUTY to shrink to fit - to accomodate everyone else. I say eff that too! :)
Cajones are important...I used to get all the time when I was younger "She's so tall if only she could lose weight she could model" Seriously I heard this all the time...I am sure it has something to do with my love/hate relationship with food. What the hell are people thinking.
I don't get how family can say stuff like that to each other! It is so mean.
Shit! There goes my fantasies.
Good for you Erin! Never try to be invisible! Be proud of yourself! You are strong and beautiful!
And ballsy baby!!
Was grandpa a meanie??
Mine was. He was kind of an old butthead.
aawwww...! :(
my grandpa called me a fatass once! i cried a lot!
but i've learned to laugh AT MYSELF rather than become bitter with a complex.
good for you, developing cojones!
Good for you. What a good story and an inspirational ending! Sometimes it's so hard not to let things like that get to you. Glad you've transitioned to a much more positive attitude on life. I could use some of your positiveness sometimes!
That's the way to do it! While we were at my sister's high school graduation, my grandmother told me that she wanted a picture of my sister and I together. When I gave her one, she poo-poo'd it and told me that she wanted one where I didn't look so fat. When my dad told her that was rude, she went 'okay! Sorry...I want one where you actually look pretty.' Ahh, I see, Grandma. That's much better.
Grandpa wasn't very wise considering his life experience. I've seen you. You look just fine. We can be our own worst critics and see things no one else does. Be happy with who you are. I am.
I don't know what it is about this year...2010, but I have had that thought since New Year's day.
Like, this is my year. I cut several "friends" out of my life that were weighing me down and I'm more prone to speake my mind than I ever have been in my life.
I too am tired of being a door mat!
It's going to be a good year Erin:)
Awww, don't do that! I used to swim growing up, so I have super-broad shoulders-- all the better to bear life's burdens! Be proud of your body, no matter what! My guess? Your shoulders are NO WHERE near as broad as mine are!
~Elizabeth
Confessions From A Working Mom
WOO HOO!! Good for you!!! I think sometimes people don't realize how hurtful their comments truly can be. It was actually a lot of childhood "terms of endearment" that sealed the deal on my eating disorder, I believe. When your dad calls you "Chubs" or "Porky" a few times too many, it tends to stick...
So I'm proud of you for growing a pair!!! Tell gramps to stick it in his bony old ass!!!!
Many hugs... I always sigh when my mother says, "You have your Grandmother's hips" because I know she's referring to her former mother-in-law, whom she hates. Sigh... And, for the record, I'm actually shaped an awful lot like my mother. So there...
I've always scrunched a little, because I'm so tall. I feel self conscious around everyone else. No one has ever accused me of being too tall or anything like that, I just noticed it, and don't like it.
Woo hoo! I long for a pair of cojones of my very own. Actually, I do believe a small pair are starting to sprout. It's very exciting.
What is it with grandpas' anyway? Mine told me I had a nice ass and that if my brother put a dress on, he'd make love to him. Class, all the way.
Broad shoulders help your coat fit better.
Otherwise, you look like what happens when you try and hang an adult coat on a baby hangar.
Shit falls right off.
That is right, Erin. Stand up, spreak out and relax. Make them move over. You'd be surprised how many people want to look like you, a lot of them!
Secretia
you said it sister!
Good for you. It's funny..I can be so ballsy at times, but times like those, I would take it personally and shut down. I might have to take notes from you.
Bravo doll!
I always try not to say something so insensitive to anyone. It might not seem like a big deal but you never really know how the other person receives it!
I bet your strong shoulders look fabulous. Killer outlook to take btw!
That's just great, I loved it
Words certainly have an unwanted affect on us dont they? Stand proud girly!
Amen sister! Everyone loves a girl with balls anyway!!! :) Smooches.
Stand tall Mama! It is a great service to yourself and a great example for your little girls who will grow up emulating you.
Ugh. Sometimes the grown ups in our lives have no idea how hurtful or traumatic their words can be. I'm glad you're moving on! (I won't use a rest area restroom alone to this day for fear of being raped... That little tidbit courtesy of my aunt.)
There are so many things people said to me, growing up, that I have hung on to. I am going to take your lead. Time to leave all of that be! Loving your new style of blog posting.
Now you know what a thoughtless cruel son of a bitch the bastard was....and now you know what it was like for your mother to grow up with him for a father....and since then you've had the benefit of understanding her as few do. May it make you stronger every day.
Isn't it amazing how one comment like that can affect you for years and years?? I'm glad you've risen above it! I really need to do the same thing!
I have extremely broad shoulders. It never occurred to me to regard them as anything other than a good feature. We broad shouldered people make clothes look good!
That last line is so awesome, it gave me chills. You go girl!!
Wish I could have the same confidence about my big arse! ;)
Love ya!
Good for you! Grow a pair for me too.
Ps you are thin amd gorgeous
Xoxo
Those offhand comments are so damaging. I'm glad your standing tall now!
So well put. Never shrink to fit again. I've been there, and I know how those kind of words feel. I let them abuse me over and over again, long after they'd left my ears and the person had left my heart. I like the end of this era, and I think I should end one of my own. Thank you for this. You have given me a reason to stop the crap in my head from creating anymore chaos.
At 52, I am realizing how short life is. Young people all around me are stricken with cancer. It stinks.
Keep purging all those stupid demons until they're all gone, and then enjoy your life...fully.
Actually, try to do it simultaneously. Maybe you do. :)
Oh, my shoulders are slightly broad...one of my best features. :)
I'm a little late but I think it's awesome that you're standing up straighter! As usual, I can totally relate. I went through this as an overweight kid, teenager and even young adult. It wasn't until I stopped trying to fit myself into someone else's mold that I finally started losing weight and standing firm in who I am. Being comfortable in my own skin has been quite the journey.
OH see Ohhh that makes me want to slap the dogwater outta your papaw.. ooooh girlllll that makes me mad for you.. but ya know what you are GORGEOUS and I don't see a thing wrong with you.. PErIOD soo plllffbbtt on a cranky old man in a small car, maybe if his mouth wasn't so big he wouldn't have been so irritable all that hot air has a bd affect on people grrrr
Well this is the smartest thing you must've said this day (day of the post). It is funny how one careless remark or action can sit with you for so long, isn't it? Sorta makes me wonder what damage I may have done to some along the way.
Damn good thing it is...not to shrink to fit!
Work From Home
Note to self. Do NOT take a road trip with grumpy The Grandpa Load.
Its so sad and frustrating how things can hurt you and affect you for sucha long time. It makes me aware of the things I say to my daughters.
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