Shell over at Things I Can't Say has started a new tradition, and while I'm trying not to do too many memes, this one appeals to me and allows me to really write. To see what it's all about please go pay her a visit!
Yesterday I played tag with my daughters. We ran around the basement wild-eyed and laughing, stopping every few seconds to gasp, gulp and breathe. I watched their little-girl legs pumping and Izzy hitched up her curdoroy pants with one hand as she raced into the toy room with her wavy brown hair flapping behind her. I was "it," and made loud monster-like growls as I galloped after them to the tune of their high-pitched shrieks.
I tagged Abby first and swooped her up into the air with my arms around her little waist. Overtaken by a fit of infectious giggles, she was unable to speak. I quickly set her down on the carpet and took off running to the opposite side of the room again with Izzy hot on my heels. We ran in endless circles around the pool table, dizziness setting in. I pretended to be on the verge of collapse and allowed Abby to catch me again.
"You're it, Mommy," she sang happily, her eyes dancing.
Then I just stood perfectly still for a moment and memorized everything: the backs of those little-girl legs again; the flapping hair; the slightly sweaty smell of them; the red marker on Izzy's left hand and the slick, shiny thumb Abby took out of her mouth only when she was running.
Suddenly I was overcome with emotion.
You see, I have not played tag with my children in far too long. I have been too depressed. I have not delved into it too deeply here in my blog, but those of you who know me well know what's been going on.
Things are starting to look up. Slowly, I am changing. It is my hope that they will not remember the bad spots. That they will soon forget about the funk Mommy has been in. And even if they don't, I pray that they will forgive me and someday understand.
(my happy 'lil Jayhawks---before the big loss)
(watching cartoons upside down in jammies & slippers)
64 comments:
Children are remarkably forgiving and loving. They know that you love them and take care of them and keep them safe, and that's what they will remember.
The joys of being twins. My twin sis and I ALWAYS watched tv upside down. Maybe it was the way they were carried and it's just comfy????
Tag is definitely a sign of healing. They won't remember the spots that you refer to as difficult ones. They will only remember those moments of laughter and smiles.
Glad that things really are starting to look up for you.
I am sure they will forgive you! Kids have a way of remembering the good times.
I am glad things are turning around for you!
Glad to hear things are getting better!
xoxo
Very nice post and great pics!
They love their mom. And they know you love them. That is what they will remember.
I'm glad you joined in.
Sweetie kids are the perfect example of God's heart for us. perfect acceptance in whatever state we are in. Their love encompasses us even when we don't feel lovable.. I am so glad you are seeing daylight again..and hearing the joy of a child's laughter..
That picture is THE cutest thing I have ever seen. They are so sweet, Erin!
Don't worry too much my friend. Kids have an uncanny ability to forgive and forget. Wish it was that way for adults too. :)
How can you not enjoy playing with those two cuties. Keeping up with them would be more of a workout than jazzercise - and more fun.
I'm glad you are feeling better. They will remember the good times and I hope you will, too. :)
xoxo
I'm glad my kids are still little enough not to notice 'the funk' that mummy has been in for the last 3 months either. It's slowly going away here too.
Your girls are gorgeous and you're a great mom!
Yesterday was beautiful, wasn't it?
The girls will remember the good times Erin...for they far out weight the 'funk' times.
How sweet! Glad you got to play with your kids, and thanks for reminding me to play with mine!
As a parent, I find myself forgiving my parents for things all the time that I never really understood until I became one. Be easier on yourself. All they will hold onto is how much you shower your love on them. Thats whats matters most.
Don't you worry about your girls. They love you and you love them, and that's what matters most. Glad things are looking up.
Your girls are adorable! I guess I assumed they were identical twins, but they're not, are they?
I think when children are to the age where they start creating "life long" memories, the things they usually remember are the happy times. Your girls know you love them, and you can tell how loved they are by the joy on their faces!
P.S. I hope you don't mind that I referenced you again in my blog yesterday, am I starting to seem stalkerish?
They are so adorable!! I love that you were playing tag with them...and THAT is what they'll remember. Children are resilient and forgiving...they won't remember the times we shed tears over something as simple as a jar of pickles not opening or losing the tv remote. But they will remember happy memories like the one you created today with them. I can guarantee that.
Look at these memories you're making! That's wonderful. I wish my mom had done stuff with us like that. That's why I wanna have kids while I'm still young!
You're their mommy and they love you no matter what. Of course playing tag will always be a highlight. (I feel like a game of tag myself). Sometimes when my children want a game of tag, and I'm in that place in my head I go too often, they are just as happy with a snuggle on the couch. (Which works quite well when tag is simply too much).
I'm so happy about your wonderful day with your girls. :)
What a fabulous retelling. Erin, you really are soooo talented.
I can totally relate.... and when the good days happen, it's great to embrace it and remember it just like you did. That's what they'll remember too. Big hugs to you!!!!
I am so glad you are able to enjoy these moments again, Erin. Depression really is a monster. I am glad you have found ways to deal that works for you.
I am sure the girls forgave you the moment they were giggling being chased my their mommy.
xoxo
Awww honey your girls will remember all the fun they've had with you! Kids are very forgiving!!
I know what you mean about being in a "funk" though! I've been in one the last couple of weeks and it's driving me crazy!
I hope it all gets better for you! Hugs boo!
With a workout like that, who needs Jazzercise?
I'm so glad you're feeling better. It made me tear up a little reading about your attempt to memorize that moment. I try to do that a lot myself.
I know exactly how you feel. I loved that "being lifted from depression" feeling. Sigh. I hope it keeps getting better for you.
I absolutely adored this post as it gave me a glimpse to another side of you. Thank your for that! We may be kindred spirits after all!
There is no love greater than the unconditional love of a child.
Your kids will remember the fun times and not so much of the off times... Kids are awesome like that...
You know I love you, right??
And your daughters are beautiful. For real.
I don't usually say that because I am an asswad who doesn't think it, but I DO think your babies are gorgeous.
I think the good times hold much higher rank than any bad times. One day they will come to understand the bad times and I bet they look back and say "wow in spite of how she was feeling our mom still made a point to make our times together special"
Hang in there. They'll remember the good stuff, or at least the wonderful feel of it.
these are the moments! Cling to them and hold them close to your heart. Your daughters will be doing the same.
I once remember praying that my older kids wouldn't remember my funks or the mistakes I had made. I prayed they would remember the happy times, the memories I tried to create. I cried myself to sleep many a night thinking I was ruining their childhood.
My older two are 20 & 18 now. My divorce from their Father was the worst time in their life. However years late they are happy well adjusted young adults. When they chat about memories they laugh at moments I barely remember.
I guess what I am trying to say is that even during times that may seem completely difficult for us, children some how have the ability to see the good.
What will stand out in their memories are times like the one you just described. That means more to them than 100 bad days in a row. You love them, of that there is no doubt, and that is what matters most.
Precious moments for sure! Playing tag with Mommy in the basement will be remembered forever!
***Ally
They may never understand, and hope they don't ever have to face depression themselves so they do understand, but they will certainly forgive, though they probably will never think of it that way. You have to forgive yourself. I'm so glad you had such a wonderful time and that you stopped for just long enough to memorize it all. I need to play tag with my kids.
Beautiful post. It's those moments during the day that mean the most. They will remember those for sure. The Jayhawks losing was painful. We live in Kansas too and couldn't believe that happened.
Your girls are so adorable. They will only remember the good times with Mommy. They are far to young to remember any funk times.
I am glad that you are feeling better! So many of my friends are starting to pull out of the SAD that had really grabbed a hold of the masses this thankgawditsalmostover winter.
Sweet post today E! Loved it!
Try not to worry about what they are remembering, relish in those moments of awesomeness and see that they will become more and more frequent.
Thinking of you~
You are such a good writer! I'm glad you're starting to feel better. :) Your girls are precious!
Such cute photos. That sounds like so much fun! What a lovely vignette.
They love their Mommy just the way you are!
Secretia
Depression can be like a storm that moves in and makes you just want to cover up and hunker down. It is always wonderful to have those moments when the fog lifts and you can see clearly and have fun again.
Your girls love you and are happy to have you in their lives.
Hugs, Mama. Huge ones. I'm glad you're doing better. The girls will absolutely remember these amazing moments. To you they seem to be outweighed by the ickky ones, but that's just mommy's guilt. These are the days/times/expressions of true mommy-daughter bonding that will stay w. them for life!
What a precious moment, one I'm sure your girls will cherish and so will you. Trust me, your payback will come on that special day when you watch them playing tag with your grand-children.
Can I just say Erin, that while as a mother, you have this duty to protect, love, shelter provide, etc, etc, for your children....your children were also a gift for you, specifically designed to be a little bit of you....therefore, they "understand" even when they think you don't.
(quick story for you) The other day....my bff was totally stressed out, her daughter was just diagnosed with Juvenile Ruhmatoid Arthritus. And she's in pain all the time and my friend is broken hearted in feeling helpless to make her own child well and painfree....she was on the phone crying to her sister about the situation and little Mati (her daughter) used her cell phone and texted her mother who was just a car seat away from her and said "Don't cry momma, i'll be ok"....and then smiled at her through the pain from the rearview mirror. I find great hope and inspiration in that.
sometimes, children are as much made for you not just BY you, as you were made FOR them.
don't ever worry about being real with your kids, feeling real emotions, being HUMAN in their presence, you were in a funk...don't regret....just love. everything else will work itself out.
xoxo
~hl~
praying for your healing soul and as one dark and twisty to another, press on, sister. i am walking right along side you and consider it pure JOY to journey with you through the darkness into LIGHT!!
your daughters are beautiful and must be such an encouragement to you. tag. what a sweet way to begin to crawl out of the darkness!
Of course they will, darlin! There's no way they won't remember the times that you share like that.
You have the most precious girls! There are the kind of parent moments that I am so much looking forward to.
And from the sound of it, they've forgiven you already. I've had some issues of my own in the past and I know how it feels to be in a darker place. I'm just so happy to hear that your life is getting back to normal. :)
Your girls are very beautiful! And I am glad your feeling better.
Glad the cloud is lifting and you're having fun with the girls. They are adorable!
Glad the cloud is lifting and you're having fun with the girls. They are adorable!
Erin,
Having suffered from a very big nervous breakdown at 18...hahaha...I know what these funks can do to people. You're in my heart, thoughts, and prayers. And your little girls look so very happy in these photos!
They'll forgive you. Once they realize they're not perfect, they're forgive you for having the same flaw.
Just love 'em.
That's enough. ...And occasionally give them chocolate in the morning.
Do you live in my house? I have had this happen playing Tickle Monster. I just have to stop and say, "GROUP HUG!" because my cup runneth over, and I want them to know how much I adore them. And as I've seen mentioned, they *are* forgiving. It's a beautiful thing.
They will forgive you. They'll grow older and will understand. And you will be able to share with them as you share with us.
Don't beat yourself up too much! We all get into funks at one point or another...just part of being a mom!
I can so relate to this, as I haven't been feeling very well this past little while, then the surgery. I feel so much guilt, but I know my kids know I love them, just as I am certain your girls do. I am convinced that they remember these moments of fun and joy so much more so than the down days - I know that is how I remember things with my own mother.
Hi There, Even when you are in a funk...they know you still love them...they dont know funk yet..but I do know that the fun outshines the fun-k and you know mine are 17 and 21 right..well they are always recalling the funnest and most precious moments ..and even when I remind them of a less than perfect moment...they never remember it Like I do...they're like "what..Oh That, it was nothing"....but in an instant they can remember hide and seek, and barbie days and the playground,,and on and on..so just have fun in any way you can, and as often as you can..and capture it on film...those pics and videos will be the reminder of each and every wonderful moment..Have a great weekend..!
Hello darlin. I wish I could make this moment with your daughters into a blanket and just wrap myself up in it... what a wonderful, wonderful moment... and one you've really earned. I'm so glad you're feeling better. Big HUGS :-)
What a sweet moment. They grow up too fast and it is the little things that touch us. I can't go into my kids classrooms at school without crying...stupid.
Kids forget...they forget the funk. They remember the love. Give 'em that and they will be alright.
I hope you get out of your funk sooner than later!
What an absolutely wonderful picture you have painted for us of your fun and games with the girls. Of course they will love you no matter what. You are an amazing mother to those precious little girls and far too hard on yourself. Raising twins must be exhausting for anyone, I can only imagine knowing how hard it is to please the one child I do have.
Hope you have an equally fun-loving weekend!
Hugs,
Deb
I am so glad you are feeling better!! Isn't it funny doing something simple like playing tag can be so much fun!1
Love the pics!! They are so darling.
Glad you are feeling better! Im sure the girls will remember a little bit of good times and funk times. Which I think is a good thing. That way when they are moms they know they dont have to be perfect to still be a good mom!!
Hi,
Over from Say Anything. The fact alone that you captured those moments of utter sweetness, playing tag with your daughters, shows what kind of mom you are. Quite often when it comes to our role as mothers, I think we woman, are too hard on ourselves. Children love unconditionally. The memory of laughter with their mommy will outshine the dark spots.
I wish for you that you find your light. I hate that place, where there seems to be no hope. Hope is there. Be well.
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