Yesterday we had some friends over, including our neighbors who had a baby girl a month ago. While everyone ate dinner outside, I held Baby Ainsley so her tired mommy could relax and take her time with her meal. I was alone in the house and cuddled her closely. She curled into me and I suddenly remembered holding my own girls as babies and how that spot just seemed made for them. Ainsley sighed a sweet baby sigh and nestled into my neck. I felt tears prick my eyes because as much as I would love to have another child, deep down I doubt I could handle it; and The Father Load says definitively whenever anyone asks us, "We're done."
It hurts my heart that some people are unable to have children. Either fertility treatments haven't worked or they've run out of money to continue them. Either adoption is taking a long time or it's impossible. Either they've suffered through miscarriages or had to consider surrogacy. There are so many reasons. And unless you've been there yourself, you don't think twice before asking someone questions like:
"So, when are you having kids?" or,
"When are you having another one?"
I recently filled out an application to be an egg donor. To be able to help someone have a baby really appeals to me. Sure, it might be hard knowing that somewhere out there someone with my genes/traits could come into existence and become part of a family I'd never meet; but the possibility of giving that gift, the gift of life, far outweighed any of my fears. To think about giving something so seemingly small that would mean so incredibly much literally kicked my ovaries into overdrive.
I was rejected, of course. At the age of 33, my eggs are "too old." Nevermind that because I myself required ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) to conceive, I'm not the ideal donor. But let it be said there was nothing wrong with my eggs---my body just won't release them on its own. So someone could just go in there and get them. Easy peasy, right? Apparently not.
As I held Ainsley yesterday, a lone tear slipped down my cheek and I brushed it away quickly. To know that I cannot give this gift pains me. My husband was distraught when I confessed it to him because I hadn't consulted him beforehand. It was a moot point because I'd been rejected, but it's also my body. Admittedly, Ainsley reminds me that I will never again hold my own baby. My twins are 4 1/2 and their "babyhood" was marred by my exhaustion, stress, and always the sound of someone crying. Juggling two at once made me feel as if there wasn't enough of me to go around and neither daughter got enough snuggling or physical closeness with me/us. I relished my time with Ainsley and relinquished her only because I had to take my dog out to poop.
Motherhood, raising children----is a hard job. But becoming a mother, the art of conception, is an entirely different matter and can often be far more difficult than most people realize.
I am a mother. For this I am eternally grateful. I don't ever take it for granted.
And for all of you who are still trying to become mothers, or who feel like giving up---I'm so sorry I can't help you.
But I can be your friend. I will listen. And I will love you and give you big hugs, even if they are virtual or via telephone.
Have you ever considered giving a gift like this?
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61 comments:
i was very touched by this post.
i've thought about donating -- or even being a surrogate -- so that others may enjoy the joys of sleepless nights and temper tantrums -- the inevitable tradeoff for snuggly baby kisses, and gummy smiles.
I considered donating several years ago since I wasn't planning on kids. I figured maybe someone could benefit. I wasn't able to handle the hormone injections they said I would need. I have a sister who has a type of fertility issue that will make it near impossible for her to concieve. She's only 21 but all of us girls have offered to carry one for her.
What a tender, honest admission from you, and I must admit that it saddens me to think a 33 year old egg is "too old." I wish you had been able to share in the way you had hoped. But in the meantime, know that having shared this post with us touched at least one heart, mine.
I have a relative that went through that struggle!! Treatments later, lots of money spent, they ended up having 2 gorgeous girls when least expected! We are SO not in charge when it comes to having kiddos they are truly a gift! The struggle the families that can't have kids is real and painful and my heart goes out to them! Love your blog ;)
I never thought much about fertility issues until I started blogging and 'met' so many people who went through this.
If you're eggs are too old mine are fossils. I'm not a candidate to help someone out in this manner. It's a shame because in my day I was Fertile Myrtle.
You have such a good heart. I've tossed around the idea of donating, but at almost 33, I also am "too old" now, and I haven't even had my own children yet.
First of all...you are WAY in the lead over at Project Mommywood!!!
Secondly, this was such and honest and wonderful post. I've never considered donating my eggs but I think that it's beautiful that you would. I am majorly possessive of my DNA. Also, my eggs would be considered ancient if yours are too old.
I haven't ever considered donating my eggs in the actual "consider" sense. I have thought about what it would be like. But not beyond that. I suppose I am too selfish, and wouldn't be able to live with the thought that I had offspring out there and didn't know them. I think you have a very open and generous heart for trying.
I am however, a registered live donor for bone marrow! If ever I am called upon, that is still like giving the gift of life, right?
First of all, I can't believe at the young age of 33, that your eggs are considered "too old!"
My cousin who I am very close too cannot get pregnant. While I didn't offer one of my eggs, I did offer that I would be a surrogate for her if she wanted. She declined, because they had decided on adoption, but I would still do it if she changed her mind:)
My sister gave me this gift! She was our surrogate (my eggs, husband's swimmers) to our twin boys. And, like you, Erin I feel robbed of that first year snuggling with babies as I was to exhausted to enjoy most of it. It pains me to admit it, but since you did, I will, too ;-)
I can't believe that you are considered too old at only 33 to donate your eggs!
I always wanted children, and I always thought that there would be plenty of time for me, but things didn't turn out that way.
But with women having babies in their 50s and sometimes even older, it's a stupid rule!
Everything is so tangled up in red-tape!
(Voted for you, by the way!)
Big hugs!
What a heartfelt post.
While I didn't have twins, my kids are all so close in age that I felt like I was constantly trying to keep up and didn't have much time to just sit back and enjoy them as babies.
I've had a post in draft for literally months about surrogacy, but it's something that is hard to talk about, so it just sits there for someday.
Been voting for you!
I have so many thoughts on this. First, it was a beautiful post and obviously something that is very close to your heart. I am someone who is most likely not ever going to have kids. That's a decision my husband and I are making together. I have decided that I don't ever want to get pregnant and if we do have children we will adopt. That being said, I've never even thought about donating my eggs...but I should! I'm not going to use them. I wonder if my eggs are too old? I'm 30. I'll have to check into this soon. I have a cousin who has been struggling to get pregnant for about 6 years. She's tried everything and nothing worked. I believe she has now given up. She is only 34, but I think adoption may be an option for her in the future.
Anyway, I am going to check into egg donation now. Do you have any info/website/contact person you could pass along to me? After reading your story about your struggles to get pregnant I would love to be able to help someone if I could.
I think it's so incredible to see that you clearly have this open, trusting relationship with your readers. I feel at such a loss to comment on your posts lately because they are so personal and a simple comment doesn't seem complex enough. These posts could develop into whole conversations. I've held my friends babies lately and longed for another one of my own. Then other days I think how terrific it is to not have to worry about the needs of a baby. Getting pregnant has always been relatively easy for me, so this miscarriage gave me a small glimpse into how painful it must be to endure infertility. I think it's helped me to be more grateful for the sweet little ones I do have.
I looked into becoming an egg donor once, but after reading the informational packet that was sent to me by the company I'd contacted, it wasn't for me. However, if someone that I knew and cared about came to me and asked me to be a surrogate, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Hmmm 33 is considered OLD for eggs?? Seriously.. well what does that say about em at 40.. mine must have arrived on the Ark if the is the case.. Hun you have such a beautiful heart for everyone and Ihurt because you feel like you haven't done enough. but you have sometime the very thought of doing it means the world to someone else..
Hi Erin - the official medical view today is that fertility is optimal up to the age of 34, after this fertility, basically the quality of those eggs we are born with, starts to decline and by 40 for many women fertility then falls off a cliff so that by age 45 most women are to all intents and purposes infertile. They might still be ovulating but the eggs will all be non-viable. So agencies that deal with potential egg donors have cut off points for the age of potential donors based on these facts. However, if this is really something you want to do then you could, but it would mean doing it in a less anonymous way i.e. not just going on a register somewhere for someone to select from. As you say, there are so many people out there who want children but struggle to have them. At 33 you would still be able to produce plenty of viable eggs (otherwise why would the cut-off for IVF with your own eggs be the age of 43?) and so you could find someone to help. But it would be something to think really hard about as you would end up knowing the people you are helping and therefore be more personally involved and invested.
What a beautiful post. I have never thought of egg donation, but as a blessed mother who is done having children, that is something to look into. What a wonderful gift- especially as I know several women unable to have children on their own.
And being a twin as you know, can make a mom realize that two is enough. At 46, I realize that as much I love the baby smell and the urge to snuggle up to one, I don't have the tenacity to handle it. Baby Boo is three and at times, I wonder if I can even handle the toddler stage.
I can understand the single tear though.
Oh Erin...I know I haven't been so good about keeping up with bloggers since the move down south. But I am catching up and the fact that I caught up with you on this one means more to me that you will ever know. You're so right...unless you've been through the frustration and angst of fertility treatments or the unimaginable grief of losing a baby, you will never think to NOT ask those kinds of questions. And now, I NEVER ask a woman those questions...especially as I'm rounding the corner of 32 and realize how sensitive we are to it. Of course I want a baby! is what I want to shout and stomp away. But I don't and I can't. I just smile and say "oh someday!" But every ounce of my being wants to say "I AM ALREADY A MOTHER YOU MORON!!!" It's a touchy subject for me. Obviously. Thank you for your desire to give so unconditionally. I know that someday, it may come to that for me and if so, I hope I'm paired with someone so wonderful as you.
PS You sharing this makes it easier for me to read your blog about motherhood. Sometimes it's just so overwhelming to want something so much and not be able to have it. It's like EVERYONE around you has the one thing you want, regardless of how blessed you are in your own life. It's not right and it's not Christian, but it happens. I have those days. Your post definitely eases that for me.
In my early 20s I was actually approached by a friend I went to college with - he and his wife wanted me to donate my eggs to them, so they could have a child with his sperm. I said no, for purely selfish reasons. I saw this "friend" (he got mad when I said no, and stopped hanging out with me)again at a restaurant about 2 or 3 years ago, and he was with a different woman and had 2 small children with her.
I have not ever had to deal with the issue of infertility personally, although I have had friends and relatives who have, and my opinion is this - if you have exhausted all measures to conceive or adopt and you still don't have a child - then maybe God is telling you that your path is different. It's truly sad when someone who loves children and would make a great parent can't be one, but maybe they are supposed to be a foster parent, or volunteer their time with under privileged youth - something that gives them the chance to help unloved children in a way that someone who has their own children doesn't have the time to do. I believe God has a plan for those people, if they just open their hearts to the possibilities.
Erin, this post brought tears to my eyes, honestly. I'm so touched by your sincerity to help others who are struggling the way you and I had to struggle.
A long time ago, I signed up as an egg donor and even got so far as to go through all the stims and everything, only to have my body not respond as well as it should have and the cycle was cancelled.
Several years later, I found myself NEEDING an egg donor. The irony, right??
I haven't gone public on my blog about this part of our infertility journey because our families aren't aware of it but Cole and Bella were conceived using donor eggs. Our donor was anonymous and there will never be enough thank-you's for what she's done for us. For a total stranger to give part of herself so we could realize the dream of becoming parents is incredible.
That's what made Garrett and Landon so much more of a miracle for us, is that they were conceived with my own eggs, after having been told it would NEVER happen.
Thank you for sharing this post with us. You are an amazing person...even though you aren't able to donate, just the fact that you were willing to put yourself out there, well...there are no words to express how wonderful I think you are.
What an unselfish thing to do. I can no longer have kids (hysterectomy in April), and even though I knew we were "done", just the thought of taking away that little bit of me that made me a momma did make me wistful. I don't think the thought would've ever crossed my mind to do what you so kindly tried to do back when I was younger.
I am seriously teared up right now reading this post...
You are so right that most people would never think twice of asking couples when they'll have children, any more, etc...and being someone who had a hard time conceiving {miscarriage, 2 yrs to get pg w/Bella...} this post touched my heart in more ways than I can tell you honey!
I'm glad that Baby Ainsley {love the name!} gave you that moment of baby love...there's truly nothing like it.
xoxo
Lovely, lovely post. Thank you for your generous spirit.
Just this weekend, I was asked, "When are you going to have another one?"
I replied, "Well, I thought January, but I've just miscarried."
That pretty much brought the conversation to a screeching halt. Oh, well... It wasn't me washing that shoe taste out of my mouth this time...
It used to make me very sad that I wouldn't be able to have more babies. I guess God just had these two in mind for me.
My sister had difficulty conceiving as well. Lost a couple and then had a very high risk pregnancy with my nephew - who is as cute as all get out and I ADORE him. Before the conceived him, they were about to give up, and I offered to surrogate. I couldn't imagine a greater gift than giving my sister the gift of motherhood and helping to bring a niece or nephew into the world.
This was a very touching post. When I was pregnant for what I knew would be the last time (my second), I often thought of how lucky I was to be able to experience the absolute gift that carrying a child is...twice! It was sort of bittersweet and more pointed because my sister in law had suffered a miscarriage (her second) less than a year prior to my positive test. She desperately wanted to carry a child and had so far failed and here I was...plumply nurturing Baby #2 in my fertile and able womb. It was totally unfair and I felt almost ashamed every time I saw her.
She gave birth to my nephew on December 7...totally unassisted. She was blessed (and had many prayers supporting her). She has decided that he, along with my brother's son from a previous marriage, made the perfect little family for them.
Having said that, I am not sure that I could donate my eggs. I would forever wonder if there were a child conceived using them...and I think the worry and wonder would literally drive me insane. Perhaps it's selfishness...it IS a gift that I wish every woman who wished to do so could experience. However, I just don't think I could get past that worry and wonder...and my own sense of "control."
I do applaud you, though...and your hope to help others who are unable to conceive. I feel that it is definitely a personal decision...and I'm sorry you were unable to give that gift to someone. I'm sure it would have been greatly appreciated!!!
What a beautiful post, and what beautiful and thoughtful comments in response to it.
I've often thought about this, and knew in my heart that when I was done having children I would consider it. And then, I waited to have my baby, and I'm way past the old age stage, in the medical profession's eyes, so G-d willing I'll have another some day, but won't ever have the chance to pass mine along to anyone else. In the meantime, I think those who do are truly amazing and giving, and those who receive these babies are truly blessed. Thanks for sharing.
How sweet that you tried to donate!
And what?! 33 is too old? This makes me sad. :(
Also, I would love to have a tall, Jewish kid. Hello?! LOVE!
What an incredibly kind gesture.
I am way too old, I guess, at 37!
I know that for myself, I will always miss that baby stage, no matter how many kids I have. Now I'm just biding my time until grandchildren come (give me 10 years, please! lol).
I have actually thought about it more than once, but then I always decide against it because I worry about my egg not winding up with a good family or something like that and my biological child having a bad life. I'm sure that is rarely the case, but I would be up at night worrying about it.
I also turn 33 in August, so I'm sure my eggs are too old too!
You have such a good heart! When my sister was having fertility problems, my mom and I discussed how I would be a surrogate for her in a heartbeat. I never considered my eggs. They definitely wouldn't want mine as I am 36.
Oh what a great woman you are! It must be so hard, I know it is, I know that it took 7 months to conceive my 3rd and I was freaking out...You're so wonderful to write this for all the women out there who are trying. I knew I liked you!!!
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma, What's for Dinner
www.mawhats4dinner.com
Thanks for the reminder. You are way in the lead...go, Erin! This is a beautiful poignant post.
I'd LOVE to donate too, but I'm 44! If your 33 year old eggs are too old, mine are probably shriveled and dry.
We had fertility issues b/c we started late. I didn't marry until I was 36. I had 3 miscarriages before using artificial insemination to conceive our son. The baby girl was the bonus conceived on my first drunken night after #1's birth.
They are 13 months apart, so I know what you mean about juggling two at once. My son wasn't walking when #2 was born. I don't miss those days, but I do love to snuggle with my friend's baby.
Thank you for talking about such important and sensitive subjects. I am in a place where I might actually need fertility treatments, but I don't know if I'm ready to go that route. It's truly frustrating to try to balance a want for children and an uncooperative body... it's almost impossible to reconcile.
I appreciate your putting this out there.
Great post! I would, but gave my ovaries over to science. Maybe that's why my kids are so difficult..they came from old eggs....
aawww...I'm in tears. Hubs and I have been trying for the second baby since Emma turned 3 months. And here we are, 5 months later, no birth control, no baby. I don't produce eggs. I couldn't give any, even if I wanted to. I'm trying to fertilize whatever egg I get, in the first place.
I'm almost 32. I'm probably too old as well.
voted.
Aw Sweetie, you are just the best! A cutie-pie on the outside and a marshmallow on the inside (in the best possibly way). *smile*
And... regarding adoption. My husband and I adopted our now six-year-old from the state. There are many children who need homes. If it hadn't been for my darn cancer, I think we would've tried to find at least one more child.
Our little guy came to us when he was two and my heart melted.
It's a long and difficult process, much like pregnancy! But it's worth it, every beauracratic step of the way!
*smile*
I actually had toyed around with the idea in the past, but now I know that mine are probably too old. Hopefully not old enough that I won't be able to have my own though. I'm getting to the point where I am ready and the thought that it might be a difficult road for me really scares me.
Hopefully it will be smooth sailing. That's all I can hope for. :)
That's too bad that they think 33 is too old. My last child was born when I was 42.
It took me about three years (age 45) to "not want another baby." Prior to that, I didn't like the feeling of wanting "one more." I can't imagine what a woman feels that wants just "one" child.
I hope others with your giving heart and spirit will be able to bless childless couples in the way that you were willing to do.
What a great heartfelt post! Thank YOU!!!
You have a truely selfless spirit to want to give so much of your self.
It's so easy to forget how hard it can be. Thanks for the reminder...
The thought of donating eggs hadn't really crossed my mind just like becoming a mom at 45 hadn't. I'm one of the very, very lucky ones who can get pregnant just from folding my husbands shorts. When I look at my daughter who is just 4 and think of what I could have so easily missed out on, it makes me tear up. I'm so, so blessed and on those days when she's being a little monkey, I force myself to remember that. She is just the most special surprise! I'm one lucky old gal!
wow! that was a lovely post! i'm sorry you weren't able to donate.
i have considered it as well...my problem is, i don't want the chance of getting pregnant like someone posted they ended up w/twins! also, i'm not sure i could handle the injections-- you're so much more of a great person than i am! good luck to you!
I cannot believe 33 is too old?!?! That is crazy. I am sure those women out there who can not concieve would take any eggs they could get.
If it was not my egg or husbands sperm, I would be a surrogate for someone. I know it sounds selfish, I just do not know I could do it if the baby had my genes.
What a sweet article - you have such a great heart. I would think about this but I guess my eggs are too old as well {I'm 32}. I have seen friends go through infertility and it is really hard to watch. Especially since I had a pretty easy time getting pregnant. I feel so bad for women that can not have children...it saddens me as well.
BTW I added you to my blog roll...love your blog!
How amazing that you put yourself out there in the hopes of giving that gift! I think it's reflective of what a special person you are. Since having a child I have definitely thought of those people who can't conceive, and how difficult their struggle must be. My heart definitely goes out to them!
I have thought of it often. But I guess since I'm going to be 35 in February, I guess I'm not able to.
I have thought about it, without much thought to it being a part of *me*, you know? Because if I did it, I'd believe wholeheartedly that they... they would become that of those who needed them.
My sister placed her first daughter for adoption, and the parents had been trying IVF for 10 years, and on the adoption wait list for 1. Seeing them when they got to see *their* daughter for the first time, and then take her home, it had an impact on me.
I thought about being a surrogate once but the hubs wasnt going for it. But I dont think i could give my eggs away. Especially to unknown people. But its sweet that you could.
You.are.amazing.
Never occured to me to even think of doing something like that. I think you touched a nerve with some readers on this one girl.
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. It just sucks. I mean, there are all those women out there that can't have kids. But then there's the guys like me that can't wait to be a parent, but it's illegal for me to adopt or even be married. I can't wait to be a parent, but I guess the world just isn't ready for it.
Erin,
You just keep moving me to tears. How generous you are in spirit. It matters less that you weren't actually able to donate (I'm too old, too.) because you will never know how much your kind words and support will help a family suffering.
You are a really lovely person.
Ugh. So much going thru my mind right now... so much to say. Took me 5 years of emotionally exhausting days to have my son. And ever since he was born we have been on the roller coaster again. six miscarriages and 7 years of fertility treatments. I have had people who haven't had kids yet say to me "you have one, you don't understand" but it isn't that easy. I do understand. yes it is different now, but the pain is still there. I know in my heart there are more kids to come into my life. The pain of fighting to get there has to be worth it. I'm babbling.. maybe you see what I'm saying.
Wow! Such a beautiful post. I just recently found out that a good friend of mine is having problems trying to conceive. Her lady parts are all messed up because of endometriosis(sp?). I had no idea. Later that night, as I held Peanut and watched Little J play, it hurt my heart thinking that she is going through so much heartache trying to have a baby.
I did have a little breakdown for myself the other day when my hubs and I were looking through baby pics. I have always wanted another one but he insists that we are done. And I feel the same way, most of the time. Wow..I may have to post about this... You have inspired me.
Obviously, you know that I was a surrogate, but thank you for writing this; it puts a face, at least a voice to something that people think little about.
Being a surrogate was such a beautiful part of my life, I wish more people would consider it. I wrote about 'nine months is such a small time in your life to give such a gift' and that's exactly how I feel.
This is a gift that will last more than a lifetime.
Erin Lynn, what a beautiful heartfelt blog post. You are a truly special, compassionate soul.
I am one of those women you were talking about. We had a devastating pregnancy loss when I was 6 mos. along... far enough for her to have a name (Lily) and leave us reeling. We could not conceive after that. Doctors didn't want to bother and I was terrified to lose again. Lots of circumstances got in the way of adopting or trying other methods (donor egg, surrogate). Sometimes I think there's still a child out there for us... maybe a 10 year old. Right now, taking care of my mother is about all I can handle.
But I do know this: Whatever desire God puts in our hearts, it is there to be fulfilled. Maybe not in the way we had planned, but it will happen if we stay open. For today, that means being a great auntie and the ones all the kids in the neighborhood like to visit. And in my work, I help to nurture a lot of adults who never got it as kids. More shall be revealed, of that I'm certain. Thanks for this post!
My husband and I are blessed, that it seems like he just has to look at me and I get pregnant. But I know how you feel about it hurting your heart for people who cannot have children. So many babies being given up or mistreated and there's people who just want to give out some love and its so hard.
I held my neighbor's baby yesterday! Soft skin and hair, wonderful smell and so snuggly. I wanted another baby (hoping for my girl). But for various reasons, we did not. Ahhh...I'm waiting for grandchildren but not too soon! (my oldest is 19)
I found you through Life without Pink! I'll keep looking around.
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