Mother's Day is Nearly Here: Things I Wish I'd Known Before They Sliced Me Open

Since Mother's Day is nearly upon us, I thought I'd take this opportunity to tell you what I wish I'd known/realized prior to the arrival of my twin girls. Our next door neighbor gave birth to a baby girl last week, so I've been flooded with nostalgia and memories. Beware, not all are pleasant (p.s. I had a c-section). I also realize this day is difficult for many of you who are struggling to become pregnant. I've been down that road, too, and certainly never imagined I'd be writing a post like this. I am keeping you in my thoughts & prayers and sending lots of baby dust your way....

1.) People say "Oh, you'll just know when you're in labor." Guess what? I was 3 cm dilated, fully effaced, and had no clue except for the hellish contractions I was having (that I'd been having for several weeks) and the feeling that there was a rather large bowling ball in my nether regions.

2.) Your nurse(s) can make or break the entire experience. One will have no pity for you as you lie there like a beached whale as you're moaning and groaning, while another will give you ice chips, push your sweaty hair out of your face, and tell you in a soothing voice that everything will be okay even though she's lying through her teeth.

(Yes, this is me. Yes, you may look like this. Yes, it is downright scary & humiliating. Be prepared.)

3.) The spinal hurts. But apparently it works so quickly that they have to lay you right down as soon as they've given it to you, lest you lose all control and roll off the table like some giant boulder.

4.) Amazingly, your belly that's been so cumbersome, heavy, and suffocating suddenly becomes weightless upon administration of said spinal. I wasn't sure how I was going to breathe lying on my back for the delivery, but I literally felt nothing. Thank goodness, because that giant snake of a catheter was my biggest fear.

5.) The downside of a c-section is that you don't get to hold your baby/ies until the anesthesia wears off and you're able to wiggle your toes. This took several hours for me. The nurses brought me Polaroids from the NICU. I was so anxious to see and hold them, but for the life of me I could NOT make my toes move. Once I finally did, they wheeled me there and it was the most incredible moment of my life.

(this is Baby Abby, roughly 2-3 hours old. Try not to notice how fat my face is.)

6.) While you lose a ton of weight immediately following the birth and begin feeling svelte as soon as you're wheeled from the OR (being able to see my feet again for the first time radically disillusioned me), make no mistake. You still look very fat pregnant. This is me the day I came home from the hospital:

(Thanks Dad for the unflattering angle & my mouth was full of the lasagna dinner my mom made)

7.) During my first night at the hospital, I was quite certain I was wetting (or pooping) the bed as I felt warmth and wetness spreading underneath me. I was alone because I'd made Hubs go home, figuring at least one of us should get some sleep. I was catheterized, so I couldn't get up. Couldn't reach the light switch to see for myself. Started crying and hit the call button, my face hot with shame. The nurse came in and I started apologizing and blubbering about what I'd "done." She checked me and assured me it was just blood. And gently reminded me I still had a catheter and therefore it was not possible to piss myself.

8.) I started having wicked pain in my shoulder. Since I couldn't sleep anyway, I started imagining all the horrible things that might be wrong with me (infection setting in, sepsis, etc.). It got so bad I had to call the nurse. "It's just gas," she said. "Gas?" I gasped, "in my shoulder?" She nodded and said there really wasn't much to be done about it until I could get up and start moving around the next day.

9.) The next morning my catheter came out and I was allowed to get up after some breakfast and pain meds that almost made me barf damn Darvocet. Since my girls were in the NICU, I had to go to them. I walked, pushing a wheelchair. But I didn't realize how much the surgery took out of me, and later that day Hubs had to wheel me back and forth to the NICU.

10.) TMI (too much information warning) When you first stand up the next morning, there's a lot of stuff waiting to slosh out. When this happened to me, I clapped my hand over my mouth and screamed. "What's wrong?" Hubs asked (don't forget, he's a doctor). "Is that my uterus on the floor?" I asked, pointing to the bloody hunk that appeared to be the size of some internal organ (uterus seemed the most logical option given that I'd just had twins). Hubs snorted and said, "No, it's just a clot." I immediately tried to bend down to retrieve it before the nurse could, and the pain nearly took my breath away. "Don't worry, honey," the nurse patted me. "I see this all the time." I started crying again. I was so embarrassed.

11.) Breastfeeding was incredible...while it lasted, which wasn't long. Preemies are notoriously bad at latching. Plus I had two babies to feed. Once my milk came in, I realized my body is a miracle. And so were my tiny babies. And so was my Medela Pump In Style. But your breasts will feel like rocks sometimes.

12.) Look out for hospital crap that comes on trays  food. Go for the jello & grilled cheese or send some doting family member/friend to pick something edible up for you.

13.) Don't let the lactation consultants manhandle you if you aren't comfortable with it. And any modesty you had prior to giving birth (even if by c-section) will go out the window as your breasts are constantly being used and the staff needs to check your incision/stitches.

14.) There is nothing like loading up your baby/babies to bring them home for the first time.

(Going home on New Year's Eve, 2005, after 3 weeks in the NICU)

(so tiny in their car seats!)

I wish I'd known the immense love my heart could hold.

I wish I'd known how that love could move me beyond the pain of my surgery.

I wish I'd known that my maternal instincts would kick in immediately.

I wish I'd known that only I know what is best for my children.

I wish I'd known that my breasts would leak every time I heard a baby cry, even if it was

someone else's child and I was sitting at dinner in the middle of a restaurant.

I wish I'd known that I would meet other moms of twins when I needed them most.

I wish I'd known how often I'd call my own mother for advice, answers, and assistance.

I wish I'd known how much I'd need and appreciate my husband.

I wish I'd known that sometimes I'd just sit and stare in disbelief.

I wish I'd known the exhaustion would bring me to my knees, but I still felt lucky.

I wish I'd known to trust myself more, to believe in myself as a mother.

I wish I'd known that all those fertility treatments would ultimately bring me to this day.

To all the other moms out there, and my mom friends:

You are incredible, amazing, intelligent, funny, and you have the hardest job in the world.

You are honest, emotional, elated, stressed, tired, busy, friendly, and selfless.

I don't know what I would do without you.

I am proud to call you my friends.

Happy Mother's Day to you all!

To the women who don't have children yet, but who are desperate or unable to become mothers:

You are not alone. I have been there. I know your pain.

Mother's Day is hard, there's no question.

I am sending you hugs. I know your pain.

Let the tears roll if it helps you feel better.

I am sending you hugs and healing prayers.