Today's assignment for The Red Dress Club is:
Write a short piece of fiction about seeing an ex in the grocery store from the first person point-of-view. Instead of writing from the female perspective, we want you to write from the male perspective. Hopefully, this will help us in regards to character development and stepping outside of ourselves as writers. Have fun ladies!
(It's my first time. Go easy on me.)
The Jitney Jungle's automatic doors swooshed open and a welcome blast of Arctic air hit me in the face. I swiped my damp forehead with my sleeve and yanked a cart from the jumble near the entryway. Ignoring the open container of anti-bacterial wipes, I headed straight for the frozen food aisle. I opened the freezer door and stood there for a minute, still recovering from the brutal Mississippi summer heat. It was like a hangover that wouldn't go away. I slumped against the freezer door holding it open with my hip, hands jammed in my pockets, my eyes half closed, in a kind of trance.
"Anythin' I can hep ya find?" asked a pudgy employee wearing fuschia lipstick all over her top two front teeth. She looked almost hopeful. I hated to burst the bubble of chewing gum she was working on, but frankly I'm a guy, and aside from sex, my needs are simple.
Over the annoying sound of her gum snapping I said, "Nah, I'm okay. Just lookin' for some Hungry Man...Men...whatever," I mumbled, as I felt a reddish hue creep up from my starched collar to my stubbly cheeks.
"Right there," she gestured to the door I'd just been shamlessly cooling myself off in front of. Before I had a chance to thank her, she'd turned around to help an elderly woman with a walker who was asking where she could find the prune juice.
Shuddering, I tossed two weeks' worth of frozen dinners into my cart, hurried past the Green Giant vegetables, and strode over to the hygiene aisle to grab some deodorant. After I made sure no one was looking, I sheepishly scooped up several twin packs of Secret Shower Fresh. For some reason it's the only deodorant that works for me. I've tried other kinds before, believe me. And those were the only times I could smell my own special brand of stink. So for now I'll just keep Secret one of my secrets. My bathroom cabinet is full of barely used Right Guard and Old Spice, which are only good for show.
I wandered around Jitney a bit, not quite ready to go back out into the oppressive heat. I ended up throwing some other necessities into the cart---Doritos, Diet Coke, beer, and what the hell, a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts. Once I realized it was in my best interest to head to the checkout, there were only two lanes open and both lines were long. I sighed, opened the bag of Doritos, and munched away as I draped my forearms over the cart's handles.
Suddenly I glimpsed a head of honey-colored hair putting her groceries onto the conveyor belt. The familiar and deliberate tucking of her hair behind the ears, the dimple in her cheek as she smiled at the checkout clerk. My heart started racing and my armpits grew damp. No, no, no. This isn't happening. It can't be.
But it was. Sarah, the girl who had ripped my raw heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it like she was under the chuppah at a Jewish wedding. I hadn't seen her since the night she told me she "couldn't do it anymore."
"Do what anymore?" I'd asked icily, caught completely off guard.
"This," she'd said with a sad look on her face. "Us. You and me. I just feel like I don't really know you, like you're hiding things."
I threw my arms up in the air. "What things?" I snapped, with clenched jaws.
"Why haven't I met your family after all this time?" she shot back, eyes blazing.
There it was. The secret of all secrets, rolled out like the red carpet. Only I didn't dare step on it. The secret I couldn't seem to share with anyone, not even my own girlfriend of a year. Because my dad is gay and lives with his lover, I answered her in my head. Because my mom's best friends are her box of Franzia wine in the fridge and her bottle of Prozac. Because you have the perfect little family and no one has any problems, while we can barely keep up with our psychotherapy bills. But I couldn't speak. Couldn't say one word of any of this. Fear had taken its hold of me again.
She detested my silence. "See?" she said and walked out, slamming the door behind her.












65 comments:
Oh, gosh!
The tears in my eyes right now. You made me want to love this man.
I need a finish to this, to see that he finds someone who will take him, when nothing is his fault.
This was fabulous, you left me wanting more.
Sarah doesn't know she's walking away from the best thing in her life. See? you got me all upset with Sarah, who doesn't even exist!
That? is called magic.
Brilliant! I'm hooked.
very well done. I had empathy for the male character.
Erin - you can write! Whew. I absolutely want to know the next chapter here. Does he find someone he can tell this secret to? He HAS to, poor dumpling. And the girl who walked away, she needs a comeuppance. (Or maybe SHE'S the girl he can (eventually, somehow, through some magic you will weave) open his poor broken heart to.
Lemme know when you know! Keep writing.
But what happens after he sees her? You can't get us that far and leave us hanging. It's mean or something :)
I love how descriptive you were. I was easily able to get the picture in my head, as if I was shadowing your character throughout the store.
But now? I gotta know what happens!
I LOVE IT! I want to read more!
absolutely wonderful story. I love how your words described the story without flat out telling it. Great example of showing vs. telling.
great writing
I had to chuckle at the 'buy Viagra' comment deleted above ... so strange that a spam comment tried to relate, lol!
I love this story and your way of writing. I want to read more. What happens to him after he sees Sarah?
So.... WHAT HAPPENED?? You girls are killing me with this prompt and the suspense!! GAH!
Erin, you are a wonderful writer! I hope to see more :)
Wait.
So the guy in your stories dad was gay too?
What a weird coincidence.
Erin! This was wonderful! I'm hooked! I wanna know what happened next. Did he go after her? Did she come back and apologize for being an uber snatch monster? What will the future hold for our hero??? Get to writing! Inquiring minds want to know! :)
Oh Erin... wonderful. You are a really really talented writer.
two enthusiastic thumbs up.
Okay, Erin...you really just need to write a book! Like yesterday. I'll buy it for sure.
Love his "Secret" addiction. Those details are what makes your character human, and you did a great job with it! Love the analogy of being under the chuppah. Great job - glad you joined in!
Who's this author we got here? I know you can tell a story about your life but lord, this is amazing.
Talk about inspiring. I'm thinking about telling a short story because it seems like fun. Not that it will be half as good as this, but it gives me something to write about.
Love that you set this in a store. Great job of capturing the male voice. I want to have this guy over for a cup of tea and talk to him awhile. OK?
Very well done for a first attempt. You are GOOD!!!
Girllllll tell me agian why you are ony doing this FOR FUN?? And don't you EVEN say I can write.. not like this I can't no where close..
This is good Erin...really good. So descriptive...I feel like I was right there watching. And I sometimes like to see men flounder...not always just every once in awhile.
Wow. This was sooooo good. Great job Erin!
Brilliant writing Erin!! Seriously have you ever thought of writing a book. Loved it!
I'm liking this new fiction-writing thing. You know I read lots of books, right? That was just as good or better than most of the books on the shelves at Borders right now. Keep on writing, friend. We'll all be reading. And applauding.
Great job Erin - have to go with the ex-girlfriend, secrets make for a long time bad success rate in relationships - leaves me hoping things work out and he does tell her. Definitely ready for your first novel!
I must have MORE!!!! (please)
Did Meeko say "uber snatch monster"? LOL!
You have a gift, my friend! What an excellent piece of fiction. From me, it would have sounded like, "It was hot. I bought Hungry Man. I saw a chick that broke my heart. The End." Hahaha!
I feel shocked that Secret works for him. I mean they advertise that it's strong enough for a man, but really?
Love it girl! How's that book coming? ;]
love the juxtaposition of the two secrets--one trivial, one not so. and the description of the setting and sarah are awesomely detailed--the reader can really 'see' what's going on.
(ps- just joined red dress club. love all of this fiction!)
"Uber snatch monster"? Hilarious.
Wow, Erin! I loved it! [[applause]] Really!
***Ally
We definitely need more! Excellent story!
This is terrific, Erin. As always, I love the imagery you use.
ooooh... this was good :)
Loved the little things, like the lipstick on the teeth of the worker. Nice!
You are such a beautiful writer, Erin
You have done a great job!
I can't wait to know what happens next! I love your descriptions. I felt like I was there watching the scene unfold!
I also feel like you have just written the first chapter of a best selling novel. What happens to him now? I really want to know!
And you just whipped this up from a simple writing prompt?! Nice work! I like the Secret secret--funny stuff :)
LOVED THIS!!! THe part about the deodorant had me cracking up! Great post! Thanks for the comment love on Shell's BFF. I was so glad people could relate! :)
I love it. The deodorant is so funny....I can just see the guy moving the bottles of manly deodorant around when he has a girl over and hiding the other stuff under the bed!
I want more of the story please!! =)
One thing that is bothering me....his grocery trip sounds strangely like mine, coke, Dorritoes, Krispy Kreme. Yep....were you following me around the store this week taking notes?
I love it. The deodorant is so funny....I can just see the guy moving the bottles of manly deodorant around when he has a girl over and hiding the other stuff under the bed!
I want more of the story please!! =)
One thing that is bothering me....his grocery trip sounds strangely like mine, coke, Dorritoes, Krispy Kreme. Yep....were you following me around the store this week taking notes?
Erin this was fabulous!
More please.
Really, when are you going to write more?
Okay I want more!! I agree with all the other comments..brilliant and ready for the next chapter! I also LOVE how you nailed the male personality..it is SO difficult for them to open up, let us in, and share! They would rather move on or move out than share!
You are awesome!
Don't leave me hanging like this!! What happens? You wrote more, right? Seriously!
You're such a wonderful writer, I can't wait for you to write a book. I will be first in line at your book signing;)
More more more!!!! I love it!!
Lets do lunch :o) I want the next chapter.
That girl does not know what she is missing!
Wow.
I LOVE that way I could SEE the man in the grocery store, the heat, the way he was...
Great imagery.
Good JOB ERIN, once again...
Really great! I loved all the details of the food he grabs and his Secret secret. You really captured the male perspective.
Oh my gosh, you could sell that! That was EXCELLENT!
I'd like a whole book about this guy! He sounds adorable. Great work on the details.
This was great! I want to see what happens next! You should make a book out of this. ;)
I hate to be redundant, but... WHAT HAPPENS NEXT??
well written - funny in places, sad in others.
but why oh WHY did you name that bitch sarah ? and sarah with an h to boot ;)
What. happens. next. I. need. to. know.
NOW.
Sorry, that last comment was a little bossy.
But man, you have me hooked!!! I'm invested in these characters...what happens next??!!
Just fabulous. When can I buy the book???
This is seriously so fun and totally engaging. I think your readers have spoken and they all say... more! Please?
You are an awesome writer. You pulled me in right away with all my senses.
oh Erin, it's wonderful!!!! Really really good!
Dude, this is one of the ones I missed during garage sale hell!
Okay, dude, you are such a guy here and a HOT guy too. :) I can tell.
I TOTALLY had a guy say he "didn't want to do this anymore" while breaking up with me, and my reaction was your guy's. WOW! Okay, reading thenext one now....
I TOTALLY had a guy say he "didn't want to do this anymore" while breaking up with me, and my reaction was your guy's. WOW! Okay, reading thenext one now....
Dang! You are such a good writer. I swear that I have told you this a hundred times, but I will tell you a hundred more. I would so buy a book if you write it!
Oh, poor guy. I definitely felt for him.
Happy to give more specific feedback if you want, but I don't know what level of detail you're looking for at the moment.
Erin - oh I came in on Part Two and had to go back and read this part too...I want to know more!
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