**I should preface this by saying I love my dad dearly. I realize these clips could easily be misinterpreted, but I wouldn't be the person I am today without him (i.e. his disclosure about his homosexuality). I am far more open-minded, educated, and real as a result. And perhaps I am a little more brave because of him, too.
Watch this one first:
And if you're still awake, please watch this
If you've managed to sit through these (combined it's about 7 minutes of video), you are my hero. And if you were bored out of your mind, I completely understand and no hard feelings. Really.
But this is me.
This.
Is.
Me.
In all my glory.
So take it or leave it.
Thoughts? Comments?
55 comments:
Would you be offended if the first thing I felt the need to comment on was how much I love your bookshelves? Bookshelves have been a big drama around our house for months. I NEED them. Lots of them. I'd just as soon go buy some. But I call my husband MacGyver for a reason. So I wait for my bookshelves to be built.
Love the Vlog otherwise, too, though. And I'm glad I'm home so I could actually watch it! I wouldn't be able to from work.
Erin,
I want to congratulate you on taking this step, sharing something so personal and so important to you. Don't worry about the blinking or the pausing or any of it - we don't care :)
You really do have a huge heart and I'm so glad you're opening it up to the world.
Thanks for sharing this.
Traci
I'm sorry girl I know what it's like to have your father hurt you. Mine constantly told me I was fat and because of his constant verbal abuse I became anorexic. Sadly it wasn't till I met my husband till I got some self confidence and started to see what it was doing to me.
It's hard when your parents are the ones that hurt you.
I do that all the time-compare and think about other people. It is easy to loose myself that way, and to become less than who I am. We should never be less than who we are. I've never put that into such succinct words before. Thank you for that realization.
Our parent's choices and decisions absolutely shape who we are and how we view the world. They give us a filter (good or bad) and send us out with it and when you have something so confusing happen to you, that filter that you thought was one thing-becomes another. It doesn't make sense.
I remember when I finally admitted to myself that I was abused and that members of my family knew and didn't stop it-I questioned every single conversation and experience I had with those people. Questioned everything I had learned. I just could not make sense of it. Seemingly on the outside nice, respectable people and then inside that house when the doors were closed something monstrous. I spent so many years hiding and pretending (even from myself) that I (this totally take be back to what I was typing during the first video-because I type while I watch) became less than who I was. I took on the personas of those around me. I felt like they were so strong and self assured and capable, if I could just be like them everything would be all right.
Anyway-this comment is already so ridiculously long. Let me just say this-I was absolutely crying watching these videos. Crying for the child/teen that you were, totally confused. Crying for the woman that you were trying to make sense of a life that was different and a family that changed on you. Crying for the woman that you are now, strong and coming into her own. Becoming ALL of who you are and not settling for less anymore. That is beautiful-just like you-just like your heart. I love you.
(*total sidenote-Love that you are wearing your Alzheimer's Walk shirt!)
Yayyy! That was such a gift. I felt like I was back in Atlanta with you! What a huge and important leap Erin. Really. Big bravos and lot's of tight hugs. Your willingness to understand and to share your path will take you to some amazing places. xoxoxoxox
I wish I had words to make it better but I don't. Just know there are tons of people that support you like I do. I know all to well how scary it is to put yourself out there but in the end it is worth it! I love you!!!!
Ok first of all WOOT WOOT to you.. HUGE step my dear HUGE and I am SO proud of you and so blessed to say I KNOW HER and yeah she is all that.
I get it. Although my dad didn't come out of the closet he was cheating on my mom and left me. I don't think he viewed it as a lie and I don't think your dad did either. I think he viewed it as a shield to the people he loved more then anything, even himself for a while. Then when push came to shove he found himself having to be honest and it scared the hell out of him.So I totally get the inability to trust what people say, been there done that wrote the book. But I have come to learn that what they do cannot change me unless I allow it to. It may hurt me, it may wound me but I can still be me despite their choices.
I think every woman goes through a phase at some point when we fear or think we may be gay. I find several women attractive, but I don't want to sleep with them. I think there is a connection we women have that goes beyond a physical attraction with each other. We desire to know each other mentally and heart wise. We open ourselves up hoping someone else will too..and once again I am taking up all of your comment box.. BTW I think you are sexy as hell just so ya know.. and this this just made ya sexier. Cause honesty and vulnerability are sexy in my book..
How could you not doubt everything you ever knew when something like that happens? Especially at that age. Those years are hard enough without drama at home.
I've always heard that about a range of sexuality. There isn't any right or wrong place to fall in the range.
You're being very brave and strong. I love you no matter what kind of revelations you have in store.
PS I love the darker hair color.
so proud :-)
I think it's very hard to turn the focus on ourselves rather than on those around us. It's also very hard to blog (or vlog) about it. But by doing so, I think it helps us process things that we have experienced.
You have a lot of courage to do this and I commend you for it.
ps. I love your bookshelves, too!
Thankyou for sharing something so personal to you. It's not easy.
I think you're AWESOME!!!! :)
Bravo! I think that was wonderful. But, I think you are wonderful, and I hope you know that. I love you...warts and all. No matter what.
I am trying to watch this while not listening to Kailan on the other computer, the phone ringing and so forth. I did finish the first one and just wanted to say you peel away those layers, girlfriend. Be who you WANT to be and who you ARE. I'll be watching the next one shortly - as soon as I answer the d@ng phone!
Right now I could only watch the first one, due to screaming children standing next to me:(
I love your shirt though, and I love your dark hair, and I love you!
Oh, lovely friend! You are glorious in your vulnerability and peeling back of layers. You have my ear bent as long as I can hear! I love love love your courage.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Oh Erin
That is the bravest thing I have ever seen. Ever. You speak so well-you look at the camera and you have a nice pace. And I like the bookcases too!
Keep up the good work. Don't let others make you doubt yourself. You can't control what other people think or feel or say. You can only be the person you are. Ok?
Thanks for sharing!
Lori F
It does change everything. The worst part about it is that you know, you know, that he lied because he didn't think he had any other choice. At least that's how I rationalize what my father did by marrying my mother when he knew he was gay. It's been thirty years since I learned my dad was gay and still I am questioning everything he said and did and worse I question everything other men say and do. And yet, I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't be here if my father hadn't lied to my mother. And, as bad as growing up in the closet was (when dad came out he pulled the rest of us in the closet) it made me who I am today and I really like who that person turned out to be. And I bet you like who you are too. Great vlog!
Perfect.
I can't imagine what you felt back then. I think it is empathy, that i can feel, isn't it? Wow. You got through it though. And you have so many friends that love YOU for just being YOU.
And that is WHY I vlog.
Because I know people like me for me.
They laugh.
They might cry. (Probably from laughing too hard.) Have you seen my I'm too sexy dancing video? lol.
But I'm all me. In my glory.
This is why my neighbor shrew next door has such a problem with me I think. She is WAY jealous.
She wants friends like me but she yells ALL the time and yelling does NOT gain friends...
Being honest and real does.
Love ya Erin.
You are awesome.
Loved all 7 minutes of the vlog, mainly because it was YOU,my friend talking to me.
Thank you babe!
Erin, I have never forgotten the moment at the PFLAG conference when you wanted the fuse earings and said: "These are right for me becaused I'm con-fused." I knew you were and I knew it was because of me, but I could no longer be trusted in some ways,so I offered to set up meetings with people I knew whom I thought could help you "process' what was going on outside of therapy. I don't think it happened. But you have found your own way,as you had to, and posess a certain iron will and inner strength that has and will serve you well. Love, Dad
i love your dad's comment.
i think we have ALL held back bc our fear of being judged. i think when we finally get the courage to say THIS IS ME and realize people still love us anyhow, that makes us realize we are MASTERPIECES just the way we are.
love you,
kelly
Erin, just the fact that you have the courage to put yourself on display and reveal your heart to everyone shows how strong you are and how far you've come. Having read and listened to you since last year, I find that we have similar personality traits. We have big, soft hearts that hold a lot of feelings that were shaped by our life experiences, and we try to please everyone. Like you, I try to learn something from all of them. Life is an ongoing learning process. We can choose by our attitudes to grow stronger from them, or allow them to weaken us. Your own experiences have obviously made you stronger.
Wow I can not imagine what you had to go through. It must of been so hard but look how far you have come. Bravo for you to do this vlog, it was great and hopefully it did make you feel better. You are such an amazing person. You can totally tell that through your posts :)
Oh my god!! Oh my god!! Erin, you did it!! I am SO freakin' proud of you!! Love, love, love hearing you share your truth so confidently. This is MONUMENTAL. I am so giving you a humongo hug through cyberspace!!
Love you and love how you are gettin' real, my friend!!
*BIG HUGS & KISSES*
Shannon
#1--You're gorgeous, inside and out.
#2--You are not alone. I often push people away first..."hit first before being hit" because I am SURE that people are going to leave or that people don't really like me.
I hate it...this holds me back.
So excited to learn from you as you continue this amazing journey of growth.
Friend, I've read your thoughts before on how this affected you, but for some reason, seeing you talk about it and SEEING your face...it brought it that much more to me...know what I mean? Like it really hit home how hard that must have been. And still is.
I love you! And also? You know how you look at people and take a piece of them? And you like certain things about them and want that for yourself? Well. I want your hair. And your bookshelves.
Love it! And I am proud to say that fate made you my sister and I am so glad it did..... :-) You do have a HUGE HEART but I am so glad that you are now realizing you need to take care and love yourself as much as you do for others. I am very thankful that I can call you my sister and love you, your many layers, and HUGE heart! Great job on the vlogs! I love listening to you - miss you tons and wish we lived closer!
LIOB-LE
People go through things to help others find their way too. You don't know how many people you've helped in admitting the feeling of being lost and finding your way.
Also, the need to trust again. I know that my trust issues stem from a different reason than yours but I do understand.
By talking about it, it continues to add to your feeling whole and of course, questions become answered.
I applaud your courageousness.
Erin:
I admire you for your candor and ability to post something that is so revealing about yourself.
You are an incredible woman and I'm glad I can call you my friend.
@mmangen
I don't know you, I have never met you & I think you rock! I'm not sure how I happened on this blog, but I watched both vlogs... brilliant. I wish my generation of "confused" people had this outlet. I bet we would have saved oodles on therapy :) lol.
I can see you are loved by a lot of people so keep doing what you are doing! I have to admit I love the fact your dad posted how ef'in cool is that?
Erin: This was a touching and amazing expession of courage, your true beauty shines through. You may think you did this for yourself, yes you did, you did it for me and many women who need daily to re-set our default setting and remember our beauty within. Thank you for sharing it. "Luminous Child" is a term Carl Jung had for that state of pure, authentic being. That you are.
This was courageous and, while you addressed all sorts of complicated things, quite profound in its simplicity. Which is what made it so beautiful and touching. We all have that "moment" -- when someone else did or told us something, something totally out of our control, that changes us and our lives forever. Often, it takes years to understand how big that moment really was for us on so many levels.
And for better or for worse you know what happens after you try (and rock) the scariest thing you ever did? You find the next scariest thing and keep going. No rest for those who are really living!
xo Alli
Oh Erin! How very brave of you to be so out there and vulnerable. I am so proud of you. Did you ever think that maybe this you need to go through this journey so that people like me can be inspired to start on our own journey? Your courage make me believe that I can do it too. :)
I just love all of your honesty and introspection, Erin. You really are trying to be the best 'you' that you can be and I admire that. Keep on keepin' on, girl.
I admire you for putting yourself out there.
You know what - we have a bit in common - i too question everyone, and have a hard time trusting. My father too lied to me, not about homosexuality, but he lied, and from there i think i had a hard time trusting anyone. I feel like the only person i can rely on is me.
Keep writing, keep vlogging and doing all that you do.
And there YOU are!
RAW, you.
Free at last--on your way.
My heart is smiling for you.
(I tried to call you after I watched the video, but I recently had to have my phone replaced because my BlackBerry track ball broke, and I evidently LOST all my most recent numbers added.)
Oh Erin!
I am NOT lying when I say that I ginormously love you Girl!
I totally get the "living life in fear." I'm guilty too.
Yet, I'm not brave enough to expose my vulnerabilities.
But it's wonderful that YOU are!
Thank-you!
Erin - You're such a beautiful and brave person! Thank you for sharing these vlogs. This is why I love you!
I have some thoughts about truth that I want to share, but I don't quite have my mind wrapped around them yet. Maybe I'll write up a blog post in response. :)
Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty. It always keeps me coming back for more.
Hey Erin, I'm newer to your blog but so very impressed by your honesty and the work you are doing to sort though your life. high five.
And your tee shirt is awesome!
xo jj
Wow, that took an amazing amount of courage to vlog that. I still can't get myself to vlog - I am so unnatural in front of a camera and always feel like my writing voice is more "my" voice, if that makes any sense. But this was an amazing way to share your vulnerability and strength and I admire you for it. I think that there are certain ages in our life where we are especially vulnerable to influences and experiences. I see this in the different ways my father's illness and death impacted me and my sisters. I think it's wonderful to see you acknowledging your struggles, your fears, etc. I know that eventually they'll bring you to a place where you'll celebrate your strengths as well.
First, you looked great! So throw those low self-esteem issues out the window.
Second, you sounded great. Very well spoken. The sound was a little off, so I felt like I was watching an olf Kung-fu movie. But that's Youtube's fault.
Third, I watched all of both videos, so I AM your hero.
Fourth, I cracked up when you (a Jew) used the "doubting Thomas" line. Think about it. Hahaha.
Fifth, you DO have a big heart, and thats great! You big onion, you.
Good Job.
Comment on first video...
Girl you must be exhausted! Be your wonderful self and live life for you and your family. We see you in you writing and adore you!
I'm going to go watch video #2 :)
Bravo for being so open & honest! I hope it felt great!
Comment on video 2...
I applaud you AGAIN for being so open and brave. In my weight loss journey we use a tool called reframing, basically changing the way we think about something. it's almost like pulling out the positive in a challenging thought or behavior. Instead of thinking of the hurt of your dad's revelation, try to look it at his being honest with you and himself.
I know its not easy and I hope I didn't offend you by my comment. its only written with good intentions. It sounds like you and your dad are in a good place. Taking about it helps and I hope your vlogs helped.
xo
Yes. Thank you for transparency, honesty and reality.
Thank you for being the REAL you.
We're here for you - keep reaching out and taking those baby steps. We luv you!
Oh Erin,
There are so many things running through my head. You are totally right. There is no way that someone can know what you have been through unless they have been there. I haven't been there. BUT...I have gone through my fair share of not fun (how's that for a euphemism?) experiences. Experiences that I know have had a huge part in shaping who I am.
Ironically, I am an over analyzer. I am not sure if that's what you were calling yourself when you said you question anything someone tells you. But, I suppose, in some form, I do it too.
So...get ready to question this ;) You are 100% someone I would be friends with if given the opportunity. In real life I mean.
P.S. You're very eloquent.
Erin - You are amazing, strong and courageous. I am cheering for you and am inspired by you! And, I love your story about the earrings made from fuses, that is perfect and I totally understand why you had to have them.
Big Hug to you!
Susan
Great job Erin! I admire your courage and your honesty.
I know I have to do this, too.
But I'm just too scared.
I want to move on, but to move on, I believe you have to acknowledge.
You are brave, and I bet you feel so light about having this out.
I'm proud of you, and to know you.
And this is a huge step to moving where you want to be.
THIS WAS SO IMPORTANT TO DO.
Wow, I just "met" you and am so proud of you! What an amazingly brave woman you are. Seriously!
Thank you so much for sharing this part of you with blogland - I think we need more of this "realness" out there.
Can't imagine what it was like for you to have to confront this as a teenager (nor can I imagine what it was like to live in your father's shoes and have to carry that around).
Thanks again for finding me so I could find you.
Oh Erin, now I am YOUR biggest fan :)
Is it too early in our relationship to say I love you? Seriously, a wonderful, brave post and vlog. Yay you!!
Pamela
@pameloth
p.s. I can relate. Not about YOUR issues, but about fear of stagnation over my own issues, and recently outed myself on my own blog about some yuckiness. It was so hard, and, and, and, it was such a growth and freedom moment. Go girl!
Also, my fave cousin came out at the age of 27 after being the roommate of my Marine brother for 4 years, and son of Navy man/rancher. It was traumatic on each of them for a while, but they reached a point of greater authenticity -- because who wants to live a lie about themself or loved ones? be real.
And my cuz was best man after all in my bro's wedding. Along with 5 Marines. It was beautiful.
I could go on and on, but I won't, but I really love that you are shedding this burden of silence in your effort to grow. Very empowering.
Pamela, again.
Brave, beautiful girl.
Sometimes it's hard to see our parents as people. Flawed and fearful.
The beauty of life is that we can break the mold of circumstances or choices that put us in places we don't want to be.
Good, bad and ugly brings us to where we have "the moment". Some clarity. Then forgiveness opens doors of change and new beginnings.
I'm looking forward to your roadmap!
My cousin is gay and I believe she only discovered it after her and her husband divorced. She has a daughter, probably around your age. From what I understand my cousins daughter had a very hard time with it. Some very close family members (her mom,dad, brothers and sisters)did too. We ( my dad and I did not).......my dad was a very excepting man and I guess I got that from him. Anyway now everyone else in the family (years later) are ok with it. But it was a very hard time for my cousins daughter. Thank goodness it all worked out and they are very very close now!!
I think you are very brave for openly discussing this. I don't think your dad ment to lie to you..I am sure he was very confused himself. Plus he was probably afraid of losing your love. Sometimes parents lie to there kids to protect them and themselves from hurts.
Next time you are in or around Atlanta let me know! I live just a couple hours away!
I carry you around in my heart too Erin, I adore you and talking to you despite it's infrequency since we are both busy. This peeling away of layers sounds exciting and wonderful and fantastic Erin! Don't be afraid, I want to know YOU.
I questioned my sexuality at times. I like you didn't really realize until later that I could find a woman attractive and love being around her but that didn't make me gay. Women are beautiful and I think most of us have at some point in time wondered or questioned that about us.
I watched all of your 7 minute situation and I love it. I really enjoyed hearing this different side of you!
Sorry it took so long to comment, I'm in bed relaxing and catching up on posts!
@Colleen--NOT offended at all! Bookshelves are my "thing" because I love to read so much!
@Traci Love--thank YOU for coming over to watch! xoxo
@Erinsgobragh--I am so sorry to hear you had your own demons to battle. Anorexia is not easy. Kudos to you for rising above!
@From Tracie--you are crying and now you're making ME cry! I wish we lived close. I would so love to meet you....
@MeganM--thanks for the tight hugs and I wish I was back at #CIP. But I can't be, so had to bring it back home w/ me. ;-)
@Margaret--thanks & I love you, too!
@Angel---your support means so much to me. I agree that honesty & vulnerability can be sexy as hell! Woo to the hoo!
@SnuggleWasteland--love you, Tracie. CanNOT wait to see you. I appreciate your standing by me in all of this.
@SarahRobinson--you were here! OMG! Hooray! Thanks so much for everything. If it weren't for you & CIP, I wouldn't have posted this.
@Evonne--I so appreciate your kind words & support!
@Tylaine--Thanks for coming by & watching!
@BloggingGoddess--warts? what warts? I have warts? SHIT!
@Andrea--dontcha hate trying to watch vlogs when kidos are around? so hard!
@RNMama--love that you noticed my shirt! it was totally planned (well, not really, but...heee heee)
@Nicole--me??? glorious? You must have me confused w/ someone else. LOL!
@LoriFinnegan--oh my goodness. your comments made me cry. thank you so much for watching and leaving me such loveliness!
@Jen--I wouldn't have it any other way, either. I think I'm the person I am now because of everything that happened.
@ClutteredBrain--so glad you watched, but you forgot to give me some vlogging tips!!!
@Larry/Dad--love you, dad!
@Kelly/Crib---girl, you are amazing. Thank you so much for coming by to read/watch. Love you!
@Life Without Pink--Thank you, Tina! Really glad you came over to watch!
@Matty--thanks. Good to know I"m not the only softie around here!
@ShannonShort---I miss you. When will I get to see you again?!!?
@NancyC--I think I love you even more (if that's possible).
@MiMi--you want my hair? girl, you can HAVE it! LOL
@LeandMatt--I wish we lived closer too, esp now that you have baby # 2 on the way. XOXOXOXOX
@ChocolateDaydreams--trust issues seem to be everywhere, no matter where they originated from. It's so sad....
@MichelleMangen--I'm so glad to call YOU my friend, too!
@SEOCopy--I am excited that you came over for the first time and left me such a lovely comment. Thank you SO MUCH!
@Callahan--I will have to read up on this "Luminous Child" concept...you've inspired me! Thanks for watching and I'm so grateful we met at #CIP!
@AllisonNazarian---oh wonderful. I didn't realize there would be another "scariest thing." Shit.
@Annie-- YOU CAN! YOU CAN DO IT, TOO!!!
@foxy--I'm blushing. Thank you from the bottom of my very big heart!
@Shorty---there are people you can rely on. YOu just have to take risks. It's scary and it's not fun, but you just have to lay it all out on the line and see what happens. I'm learning that just because my father lied doesn't mean EVERYONE lies...
@Grasshoppa--So I did it? For realz this time? ;-)
@Quirky--I love you back. ANd you're wrong. You ARE brave. You just need to embrace that and admit it and then, JUST DO IT.
@Ami--I am looking forward to your blog post in response. You are phenomenal.
@Joanna---thanks for coming by!!
@Mindy--I'm not entirely comfy in my vlogs, you know. But at this CIP conference I just went to, we were encouraged to break out of our box a bit and use other mediums for expression. I think I said some things in the vlog I might have been too scared to TYPE. Make sense?
@Ed---sorry for the kung fu junk. Wish I knew how to fix it..and yes, you are my hero for watching both!
@Patty/NYC Girl--wow! you watched both videos AND commented twice--and am so not offended AT ALL. Love the reframing concept.
@Lisa--sheesh, those baby steps seemed like giant leaps at the time. LOL!
@ArizonaMamma--I would so be your friend IRL, too. Loved your comments. Thank you sooooo incredibly much.
@Susan--YOU are inspired by ME? WOW! I think I've finally arrived....seriously! that means so much to me.
@Only Girl---thank you.
@Empress--will reiterate that I don't care what ugliness there is. Bring it on. I love you.
@Cecily---I hope to continue putting more "realness" out there!
@Pamela--NO! not too early to say I love you. And I love you right back. So glad your husband let me to you & your blog!
@blogomomma--oh sweetie. Your words mean so much to me. You have NO IDEA.
@Gayle---I so appreciate your sharing your cousin's story with me...& you're right about parents lying to protect their kids.
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