I apologize all the time. For nothing. For everything. For little, silly, insignificant things. "I'm sorry" is likely the most oft-used phrase in my vocabulary and perhaps beginning today I'll keep a tally--maybe even the next few days. Anyone wanna make any guesses? Maybe I'll throw in a prize? (Or I won't, and then I won't apologize. Mmm'kay?)
Danielle's post made me think about where it comes from, this incessant need to blurt out the phrase so frequently. It's become such a bad habit. I don't even realize I'm saying it half the time. I think it comes from my core, my lack of respect for myself, the high standards I hold myself to. It comes from listening to my mother who also apologizes on a regular basis. But like Danielle points out, it seems women are doing most of this, not men. Why? Because for the most part, we're the ones in the trenches. We're juggling everything, doing it all, trying to make 3,428 things fall into place on any given day. Even if we don't "work" per se and stay home with the kids, we're still cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, playing chauffeur, laundress, secretary, and personal shopper. We're raking the leaves, pulling the weeds, taking out the trash, playing referee and unclogging the toilet . We're schlepping to the vet, schlepping to the pediatrician, and schlepping to the PTA meetings. We're wiping butts, wiping countertops, and wiping runny noses. We're running errands, running after soccer balls in the street, running up and down the stairs. When we're off our game, the whole house of cards collapses; dinner doesn't get made, Joey's late for soccer practice, and we come home to dog barf all over the kitchen floor. And then we say it. We say, "I'm sorry."
No more I'm sorry. It's okay to have Stouffer's frozen lasagna for dinner sometimes.
No more Mrs. Nicey Nice. It's pointless to feel badly about stupid stuff.
No more apologizing for things that are not my fault or are out of my control (i.e. dog puke).
No more even thinking about apologizing when it's unnecessary.
No more apologizing for calling someone, worrying it might be a bad time (that's what voice mail is for).
No more apologizing to my kids when I'm telling them they can't do something. I'm the mom. I'M IN CHARGE, DAMN IT.
No more apologizing for crying. Emotions happen.
No more apologizing for missing important meetings. I just had hernia surgery.
No more apologizing for not commenting on all of your blogs. I do what I can when I can. I still love you.
No more apologizing for not being able to constantly juggle the 2,754 things that are on my plate without missing a beat. It's just not humanly possible. Perfection is unattainable.
In conclusion, I'm not sorry. Really, I'm not.
What are you not sorry about? Are you a perpetual apologizer like me? Do we need to start an Apologizers Anonymous?
60 comments:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not lookign perfect ALL the time, and having the floor mopped and dinner on the table by 6 and for NEVER yelling at all at my kids when I am frustrated.
I'm sorry for not posting every single freaking day..BUT I can't keep anymore.
I mean, I LOVE blogging, and everyone that follows me, but I can't be online ALL the time...
DEal with it K?
Ok. You can be president of Apologizes Anonymous. I'll bring refreshment.
Good idea.
We'll meet in Vegas next year to decide on everything else...
*sigh*
I love ya Erin! And I'm here when you need me..just not ONLINE all the time...ya know?
How's recovery doing?
Good?
I hope so. ((HUGS))
Terrific post! I have a dear friend who is a chronic apologizer. It's like a compulsion. I agree that it becomes this strange habit that can consume your speech and it almost always comes from amazing people who have nothing to apologize for!
LOVE LOVE LOVE this!
Although I am sorry you had to have surgery. Is that one OK? Positive healing thoughts sent your way!
I used to apologize for EVERYTHING when I was younger. My mom would often yell at me, tell me how little it meant if it was insincere.
It stuck. When I say it now, it's very sincere. And I REFUSE to apologize for something that's not my fault, or for something I'm not actually sorry about.
It could also be a backlash from when I would babysit, and the kid would be a snot, and her (always "her," boys never did this) response would be (let's see if I can punctuate this correctly): "saw-REE, gawwwd."
Hmm...I seem to have the opposite problem. I should work on that. I'm soooorr....crap....I'm sorrrr...geez, that's really hard for me.
Saying it too often is a problem, but so is never saying it.
Good for you for taking a stand. Not only do I say "I'm sorry" all the time (although I AM getting better at NOT saying it) but my kids have picked up that bad habit of saying it for the littlest reasons. I think in trying to un-teach them in saying it, I'm also teaching myself to not say it as well.
It's hard, but I think I'm about 50% there. Wish more women could un-teach themselves, too.
Great post - very well said! I say sorry ALL THE TIME, too.
Oh, I love this. I love hearing you stand there and shout out: I AM NOT SORRY. Hooray for you.
As for me,
I am not sorry I cannot visit my parents more. I am working!
I am not sorry that when I do visit my parents, I can't make dinner for my husband. I'm exhausted (plus he can cook.)
I am not sorry that I spent 100 dollars on pants. I lost two sizes, my old pants are falling off and, OLD.
I am SOOO not sorry I read this post. Thanks for posting it. YOu go go go, Erin! Burning rubber.
It's funny how I'm like this with some things too but never with my husband. In fact he often says he doesn't believe I'm sorry is in my vocab. What can I say when I'm right all the time?
Hope you're healing nicely.
Ha! I'm not sorry about crap! Heck, I don't even give a crap!
I've recently gotten way over this. I'm busting my ass to be a good mom and wife. And I work full time and feel like I'm almost as busy as God. The way I see it, if I show those around me the true love I have in my heart for them on a daily basis then I'm good. Thats what I'm really worried about. Do my kids and family feel loved? Other than that, I don't give a crap :)
I love this post!!! Hubby and I both have this 'problem,' so at least we understand it. We do it because our dads never apologized, so we're making up for it. I am not sorry for taking breaks at work. I am not sorry for bitching about the days when I have lunch duty and I only get (literally) 10 minutes to get my lunch AND eat it. I am not sorry for my dog who can bark in the middle of the night. I'm not sorry for saying what I need to say, though sometimes it's really hard to not be sorry for that.
THank you!
Oh wow! This is me too! I apologize all of the time. I am working on getting better at not apologizing especially because of my job working with all men who never apologize.
Sometimes I just want to say screw you, I am not sorry!
Word. I've actually started doing this in my writing after reading about how women have a habit of qualifying everything they say. I actually go back over my writing and take out the qualifiers, which is scary, but I think it makes better writing.
In real life, I still apologize more than I probably should, but I agree--we shouldn't be sorry about not be able to do it all--no one can.
Well said, my dear!!! I have made a concerted effort to stop apologizing myself. I am one of those annoying people who is sorry that I inhaled your oxygen. Well, not anymore. There's plenty of air for everyone to breathe.
And for those who told me "sorry isn't good enough" ... kiss my biscuits! Not sorry for that, either!
I'm NOT sorry I found your blog and I'm NOT sorry that I enjoy it so much.
I'm NOT sorry that I spend way too much time reading my favorite blogs.
I AM Sorry, however, that I didn't think of blogging about being Not Sorry myself. Clever and cleansing, in a not sorry way!
Yeah Erin!!!!!!!!
Terri
i'm not sorry to say that that is an excellent post, and i'm not sorry that i read it. i totally agree; it's possible to be polite without being apologetic. ;)
I am NOT a perpetual apologizer. Ii am sorry for nothing unless it deems being sorry for (I ran over your cat by mistake, I AM SO SORRY! I need to use your phone, I am not sorry about that) Maybe that makes me a bitch. But it also makes my sorries real. If you get one from me, it's not just an impulse. It's because I made a mistake. And I take ownership. I most hate the sorries that are said like hello and mean nothing. We've become a society that asks how we are and doesn't care and then apologizes but doesn't mean it. I rarely even start a sentence with I'm sorry but.... So, say you're sorry like you mean it or shove it. Good for you for realizing it! I have a friend who is on the edge of not being a friend because she is sorry for everything. It makes me sorry to talk to her.
I'll believe it when I see it, Mrs. Nicey - Nice
ummmm..yeah. stop that shit. and while you are doing that stopping of that shit- don't forget to be gentle w yourself when you fall off the i'm sorry wagon. it takes a really long time to not be sorry, or say it. love you tons. and thanks for your comment. love.
Maybe I arrived at it with age, or with my attitude adjustment after Youngest was born with all his issues, but I don't say "I'm sorry" half as much as I used to.
Life is too short to be throwing that important statement around. Say "pardon me" if you need to get around someone, saving "I'm sorry" when you've truly wronged. As for someone waiting for an apology because you can't comment enough? Please, girl. They ain't worth the time.
At Bloggy Boot Camp, Tiffany was talking about the freedom of "no thank you." No apologizing for not being able to do something, not offering excuses, just "no thanks" - now that one I'm still working on.
Yeah!! I love it, I love it, I LOVE IT. This is JUST how I felt when I wrote - though you did it so much more eloquently :) In the past two days, I have only said, "I'm Sorry" ONE TIME and it was because I need to apologize. Other than that..nada....nothing....zip. No more, "I'm sorry this email is delayed....", No more, "I'm sorry you don't like your dinner, honey..but...."
It JUST IS....
xoxoxo
Thank you for making me feel even stronger about it!
Well fine. Be that way.
Because, really, being right-sized is about taking responsibility for what is ours. And letting go of what isn't. YES, YES, YES! We all need to stop apologizing for things that don't need an apology.
And YES, Yes, Yes.... there are still times we need to learn to say I'm sorry.
I was so relieved when Ali McGraw and Oprah last month said neither of them understood that classic line from "Love Story": "Love means never having to say you're sorry." To me, that's when you need to say it most often. To the ones closest, whose toes we trample without a second thought.
That's what I was thinking of when I wrote "Apologize" yesterday. It's the other end of the spectrum. And that's my story and I'm sticking to it. :) (http://post.ly/1AzYV)
I'm not sorry my house isn't perfectly clean. I'm not sorry I'm tired. I'm not sorry for dozen of other things too.
I have had issues with this for a while now. I have the same problem with "I love you."
Sometimes, when I tell Raouly "I love you," it doesn't seem enough...because, really...how many people say that and have NO IDEA what it means? Or use it to get what they want? Or use it because it seems like the thing to say?
I think there should be a new phrase. We have our own. I made it. I'm not sharing it because it's ours...and it's only used by us...and no one else can lessen it by overuse/misuse/abuse.
And I'm not sorry for THAT either!!! <3
you hit a lot of them... I am not sorry for being a terrible housekeeper.
I'm sorry, I don't understand what you're saying.
hee hee hee
I think when we are saying sorry all the time in this way, its another way of acknowledging failing at being supermom, super wife, super person of the year.
We all have to get to the point where we realize we cannot possibly do it all, and that is nothing to be sorry about.
Seriously, you're a little firecracker just waiting to pop! Pop loud and without apology.
I too am guilty of this, and I'll tell you another one to look out for. When someone who really SHOULD be apologizing to you does say, "I'm sorry..." don't say, "It's OK" if it's not. Sometimes it's not OK. The other person screwed up and apologies are in order. In which case the correct answer is, "thank you for your apology". We can forgive and forget, but when something really deserves an apology, giving someone a shrug is not giving anyone a fair shake.
I myself am not like this but a very good friend of mine is. I call her on the phone and literally the first thing out of her mouth sometimes is "I'm sorry." Drives me nutty. So yeah, quit apologizing... ;P You know, unless it's REALLY necessary.
Yikes...and what did I email you the other week? "I'm sorry I haven't been to your blog in a few weeks?".
Not only do I apologize but I feel the need to defend/explain my apology....such as, "I'm sorry I haven't been to your blog in a few weeks, I've been busy with getting ready for my brother's wedding and being a bridesmaid".
Okay--- I'm definitely going to visit Danielle's post because I want to know what she suggests for this incessant need to apologize for things.
And, I will head over to your hernia post too.
I realized that a couple of years ago. I was saying sorry so much I felt like a broken record and the truth of the matter is that I really wasn't sorry. So I changed it to I apologize if there was something that needed an apology but not sorry. I try to keep sorry out of my vocab unless I'm CALLING someone a sorry. . . . =0)
Wow, I totally want to be Ash when I grow up. What a brilliant statement.
I am totally using "pardon" for now on.
I, too, say sorry for things I can't control. What a waste of my fabulous light.
I don't know if I'm a chronic apologizer... I'll have to try to notice.
I do know that I have constant nagging guilt about doing too much, not enough, not up to snuff... maybe I'd be better off if I actually verbalized it instead of just letting the guilt beat the crap out of me.
YES YES YES! Go Erin! I am so happy to read this from you. You are growing at the speed of light. Congratulations :)
Traci
Awesome post! I would love to join your Apologizers Anonymous group, but, I'm so sorry, I don't think I'd have much to offer.
If I didn't know better, I'd swear you were Canadian. We apologize for everything. Too hot, too cold, too wet, to dry, too fast, too slow, etc., etc,.
By time you get on with your not apologizing plan, maybe you can teach us something!
Shalom.
I'm certainly not sorry I love you and love this post!
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Ugh, I apologize all the time, too. I even apologize to the cat. I need help.
I don't apologize *too* much but I do have that mommy guilt ALL. THE. TIME. I don't know if/when I can let that go.
I say it way too much. I'll definitely have to be a member of Apologizers Anonymous.
There are two kinds of apologizers though. Those of us that say "I'm sorry" out of the guilt we feel in our lives. Silly guilt. Things we have no control over. Things we should NOT feel guilt over and should NOT apologize for. All the stuff you talked about. I do that. Guilty. (pun intended)
Then there are the ones that start every conversation with "I'm sorry" because they think it gives them a free pass to be an asshat. Like my SIL. I cringe when the words come out of her mouth because it means she either just said something mean, nasty and cutting, or she's about to. And there is zero remorse attached to her words. That group needs a whole other kind of therapy...
-Ally
Why do women apologize about everything?? I do the same thing (and so does my mother).
Well, no more!
yep I say I'm sorry a hundred times a day...to everyone...it drives John crazy.
Plus I tell other people "to not be sorry" ...what kind of ass backwards is that???
I loved this post....it was amazing..you never ever ever have to be sorry around me. You're AWESOME just the way you are.
I'm sorry you feel that way :P
Of course I'm kidding, great post, and great point.
I adore you Erin. I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but in so many ways you remind me of me.
I can remember coming to a similar realization when I was around your age about apologizing for myself. I also came to the realization that my self talk was very negative.
The good news is that when we're aware we can make changes and it is possible to change and become more confident. It's also one of the great things about getting a little older, you become much more TOWANDA ;)
One of things I did was remove the word "just" from my vocabulary in reference to myself. ie: "Hi there, it's just Lyndsay"
Now I say "It's Lyndsay" - which doesn't seem like much but it's a subtle change in thinking.
Anyways, sorry to write War and Peace but you are doing such a great thing with your writing and this blog and I wanted to acknoweledge that.
No one as fabulous as you (or me) should ever feel we have to apologize and I believe that women like you and all of your readers will get to a place where we all fully know our own worth.
I told you once before that we have similar traits. When I read about you talking about yourself, I see a lot of me. We are pleasers. The nice guys. We want everyone to like us.
We just need to be us. And everyone else can take it or leave it.
I got over my "sorrys" a while ago. Because my momma is an "i'm sorry'er" and it doesn't help anything. So yay you for NOT being sorry ;)
I probably say it more then I need to but so much that it's constant.
I like the apologizers anon idea!
Look at this, struck a chord or what? 51 comments.
yes, you are right, why do we apologize? I apologize for having a life, why?
I don't know why...really, I don't.
Do you have a theory???
It's funny, I have a completely different take on "sorry" because I'm trying to teach my daughter that just saying that doesn't make whatever you did all better. She likes to say "sorry" and then "well I said I'm sorry". We have these whole long conversations about how you have to do better next time and all.
I'm worn out on "sorry".
You have a big heart. That's why you are such a compulsive apologizer.
Don't toughen up too much.
I feel 99% of this post.
However, I will always be sorry for crying. That's just hard wired into me - there's no going back.
Love this post as all your posts! And I wish I had a $ for every time I said I'm sorry! I'm sorry I don't.
Oh man, I say "I'm sorry" way too much also. I just walk around apologizing for every little thing...not sure why but I have a feeling it stem from feeling like a burden to my parents and always feeling like I was just in the way, as if I had to beg for their attention and time. So I always feel like I'm putting people out if they give me their time or attention.
Just yet another thing I need to work on...such is life!!
I'm really enjoying this journey of self-adventure you've been on...I'm learning a lot about myself along the way, as well!
I am the same way!! I too am always saying I'm sorry! I can get mad at my husband and then I'm the one saying I'm sorry. How dumb is that!!
I'm sorry, but... I'm not sorry. Amen and Hallelujah, this needed to be said.
If there is indeed an Apologies Anonymous, I need to join. I almost started this comment with an apology for not having visited in a while! I feel guilty about everything whether it is my fault or not. I am going to try to learn from your example. You go girl!
:-)
Traci
Oh. yes. Yes, yes, yes. I apologize constantly. I once apologized to a contractor for something ridiculous (kicking his hammer or something). He, almost a complete stranger, told me I apologize too much. To which I replied. "I know! I'm sorry!"
I've tried to become better, since I don't want Aura picking up the habit. Although she can apologize to me every time she DROPS HER FORK ON THE FLOOR 47 TIMES A MEAL THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
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