I'm linking up again today with the Red Dress Club. We're doing "flash fiction." If you're unfamiliar with flash fiction, think of it as a condensed short story. Shorter than short. The word count for flash fiction typically ranges from 100 to 2000 words.
and the prompt I've chosen is:
"Trapped"
I'm trapped in the mire; the thick, dripping, caramel-like consistency of my mommy brain. Neurons fire in a mad frenzy, crashing into one another--then disappear, POOF-- in a cloud of dust. I am incapable of a single coherent thought.
OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD. CANNOT COMPUTE.
I'm so exhausted I'm falling asleep at the pump. The Medela Pump In Style, that is. Though there's nothing stylish about it.
I sit, boobies locked and loaded to this dreadfully slow contraption (the one I got to use in the hospital was like a Mercedes, while this was more like a Yugo):
photo courtesy of www.medela.com
Listening to the obnoxiously loud motor, rivaled only by the obnoxiously loud screaming of my twin baby girls. One is howling in my lap, the other lies on the floor next to me, red faced and squawking. Fortunately with all this carrying on my let-down reflex is uninhibited; yet the noise is closing in on me, trapping me in its tight web.
Sometimes you can say the same word over and over until it becomes a string of meaningless sounds. Well, the crying is kind of like that, too. Soon it barely interrupts my tired trance. I'm staring at the wall, one forearm holding the pump's parts in place with my free hand pressing a paci into Abby's mouth. I realize my mouth is sagging open and that it's time to switch out bottles. Which is messy and complicated with a baby in one's lap. Let's not even talk about how many times I've spilled milk on the carpet trying to do this dance.
It's January in Kansas, and bitterly cold outside. Because the girls are preemies, their risk for RSV is exceptionally high and their neonatologist told us not to take them out. Too many germs. So we're sequestered. Only my husband uses his Get Out of Jail Free card for work every day and has intelligent conversations with actual adults. He also gets a regular shower. He eats meals in peace, even if they're sometimes rushed.
Me? My hair is filthy. I smell like milk. I've been wearing the same pair of pajamas for three (going on four) days. Sometimes after the girls are fed, burped, and freshly diapered, I swaddle them tightly and strap them into their vibrating Fisher-Price seats. I turn on their white noise machine, poke the pacifiers in, and pull their bedroom door closed behind me. Then I go to my room, closing my door quietly behind me.
I'm trapped. I crawl into my bed, close my eyes and pray they fall asleep.
29 comments:
I did this 3 times with each of my kids, I cannot imagine having 2 at once. Except I could never breast feed. I couldn't even get enough out of a pump..I believe I couldhave sucked my boobs inside out and not shook an ounce out of them even then.
LOve the analogy, and I am sure many new mom's will read this and go.. How did sheknow??
Deja vu. I have soooo been there. That's the whole reason I started blogging last winter. It was my escape.
Oh my gosh, just the title of this cracked me up so bad that I almost snorted tea out my nose! I know that feeling all too well, and I had trouble with just one!
I think any mom can relate regardless of whether or not she breastfeeds. Because so often YOU are all your baby wants needs desires. And while it is flattering (kind of) it is also draining.
wonderfully written ... I had flashbacks to having an infant (although I never had twins) I can totally relate to these feelings!
I can't even imagine. I could hardly handle one infant.
Such a blessing to have your two babies, but through your words, the frustration, the remembered pain of being tied to one full term, low risk baby, never mind two preemies and a breast pump, make me want to gnaw my own arm off.
Very well and honestly done.
You brought back some really painful memories. So thanks! lol
I pumped once - ONCE! - for my 3rd child b/c I was still so traumatized from my experience w/ my first child.
More posts like this and my baby fever might be cured. ;]
Wow...so real and raw. And relatable. Brings back lots of memories of trying to sleep when the twins were little. And that damn pump. Glad to be rid of that for sure!!!
Spilling the milk is the worst. You are already tapped out from breastfeeding, the last thing you want is a slow pump, and then to spill. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. This post is a perfect explanation for why I am a pumping failure. I nursed successfully, but just couldn't pump well. I keep wondering if a fancy pump would do the trick. I don't know. Great post.
This takes me back to my days of pumping. It got so that I hated that machine so much I wanted to throw it out the window (I didn't - I gave it to a friend!). And yes, I felt so trapped. I didn't have twins but mine are 2 years apart and those first 6 months with the second one were killer....
Oh yikes! I always wanted twins until I had my first baby. Then never again.
If you had the Yugo, I had an AMC Pacer. And it must have been rusty. Seriously my breast pump was the worst thing ever. You know that you moms of multiples are heroes to those of us that can related to this only having ONE!
-Ally
Excellent. I've never been so happy to have tied tubes.
Trapped is so correct. I remember bawling my head off, only pumping 1-2 ounces while watching oldest (3 1/2 at the time) run around like a Madonna wannabe with my extra funnels on his chest.
What we won't do for our children.
i can completely relate!
and if you had a yugo and the commenter above had AMC pacer then i had a damn bike!
Oh the reality... it's so not all gerber babies and super Mommies...
I know my first few days at home w/ my daughter, I thought I'd go mad. Though my relationship with my pump was something else all together. We were very good friends.
And yes, I do think EVERY mom could relate. (And there is NOTHING in this world that could lure me to Kansas in January! or really any other month of the year! Shook that dust from my boots years ago.)
I don't know you but I wish I was close enough to drop by with donuts and coffee, and to watch your girls so that you can take a shower. Not that you smell. NO. You smell fine. It just might make you feel better is all. Great post.
Been there done that.....a very very long time ago. But you never forget that smell.
Terri
:-)
My friend always says she didn't become a mother as much as a dairy cow the first 6 months.
A distant memory for me. One that you bring back so well. I didn't have twins but my kids were 15 mos apart and I do remember just feeling like a milk machine.
I was similarly trapped for Owen's first winter... but thank goodness not pumping. A feeding tube did all the work for me!!
It has been a LONG time since I breastfed! I love your blog, and I think you are funny. Keep blogging; I will be back! molly
I love the way you describe the trance the sound of the breast pump puts you in. I have such vivid memories of nodding off to my trusty, yet very vocal, Pump in Style.
I loved the near-silent hum of my medical grade pump. We had to part ways when I realized just how costly my little friend had become.
Great prompt and great essay!
You are so obviously grateful and real about your motherhood and sweet girls. You post so regularly about how much you love them and are grateful for them, but i LOVE how you stick posts like this in, too. Because it's ALL encompassing. You are awesome for rocking it out with twins...And though I loved breastfeeding, I can't imagine what pressure it must have been trying to provide for two.
Fortunately, that exact pump worked great for me. But I was HAPPY to see it put away...it was time for weaning!
Oh wow, you totally captured exactly what it was like for me in the beginning with both sets of twins!! I felt like a prisoner in my own house and I began to dread pumping every 2-3 hours. I didn't have much milk either time but I forced myself to pump as much as I could at least until their actual due dates (since both sets were preemies).
Didn't it feel like sometimes you were just on auto-pilot in the beginning? I just went through the motions pretty much like a robot...too tired to think straight or enjoy any of it.
Now, I look back and wish things had been different both times. The kids don't remember any of it, of course, but I do and I wish soooo much that I had treasured that time more than I did. I didn't fully comprehend how quickly the time would go by and now when I look back at baby pictures, I just remember feeling so tired and angry and bitter because all my friends who had babies (singletons, of course) were all going out for coffee and shopping and I was trapped at home with 2 (and 4, at one point) screaming kids and a breast pump.
Erin, every time I visit your blog I feel a sense of comfort. Like I just totally GET you...it must be a mom of multiples thing!!
My sister-in-law had a preemie, and I remember her weeping because she couldn't bear to think of him being back in the NICU for RSV, but she was so...trapped and alone.
It's hard stuff, mothering.
And pumping? Fucking sucks.
I hadn't noticed abbyandizzysmom.blogspot.com before in my searches!
I must say you have a cool post. This hit the spot and then some! Thanks for posting this and sharing it with the world. I’ve just bookmarked your site. And I will check back soon to read your other articles. Keep up your awesome work.
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