My blog is a mixed bag sprinkled with some fiction and non-fiction, but even my fiction is loosely based in some sort of reality. I've blogged about people in my life. Those people may not have appreciated what I had to say, despite it being the truth. While I can certainly understand that, I haven't painted anyone in an unkind light. Yet, these are my memories, my perspectives, and my side of the story. You'll never know the other side. Par for the course.
But you know what? I had to say it. I had to write it. I'm a writer and this is my truth. This blog is my creative space. I'm not here to be Ms. Nicey Nancy and try to make everyone worship me--I'm here to write because I must. It's what I do. It's who I am. As Allison Nazarian says in this post,
Stop trying to be so damn nice. Nice is a bullshit excuse. First of all, you are already nice without trying. Second, trying to be nice all the time becomes a full-time job and a full-time job means you don’t have time for most anything else. People won’t like you sometimes, and that’s ok. The more you speak your truth, the more some people will turn away. Not everyone wants to or is ready to hear it or face theirs. They may not like the changes they perceive in you. And that is not your problem. Meanwhile, the more this happens, the more those who DO resonate with what you have to say will start to show up. And they won’t expect that Splenda-sweet nice chick in your place.
They expect you. The real you.
Last week I told my daughters for the first time, "Mommy is a writer," and they looked at me with furrowed brows. Not sure why I never told them before, but they've always known Daddy is a surgeon. Now they know about the real me, too.
The people I've written about? Names have been changed, characteristics altered....events/ circumstances? Not so much. If I've offended, I have to just let go. Say goodbye. I can't carry that weight with me into the new year, there's too much at stake. If you don't like me, if you don't like what I write? There's a sting, but it's quick and then it's over. I can't carry the heaviness with me, a feeling of fault. I've done nothing wrong by simply speaking my truths.
The lesson here? Not everyone is gonna love me. And I'm learning to be okay with that.
42 comments:
What a great quote! F em! You are a writer and if your offended by what was written about you maybe you shouldn't do things that you would be offended for other people to read!
What a huge lesson to learn. You will sour in 2011 with that attitude. I'm proud of you!!
Ahem...that should be "soar" not "sour". Me type real good,
All I have to say is "Here's to Erin the Great!" I love you exactly how God made you!
Yes! Congratulations on your declaration of writerhood. You ARE a writer. And a damn good one. With heart and soul. Can't wait to see what brilliance you'll share with us.
xoxo, lori
Love the quote. You definitely can't please everyone and that is ok.
Don't we always recognize parts of ourselves in the characters we read about? It's what makes good fiction and good writings.
And facebook isn't reality.. that's what matters. :-)
Kudos to your resolve :-)
Hi Erin;
Couldn't have said it better myself.....all of it. In fact, I did try to say it some time ago and it sure did not come off this eloquently. Nicely done from a nice lady.
Terri
I love how brave you are. I still haven't come out of the closet about my blogging on facebook. I am such a wuss!
Who wants to have artificial relationships anyway? I think what you write on your blog is heartfelt and always respectful of the people involved. If I blocked everyone who I disagreed with or said something that didn't sit well with me occasionally, I'd have few fb friends left (and vice versa). I think it's not about being nice, but being respectful in the face of differences and difficulties.
So, based on previous posts, we can expect a very not nice person who will never say she is sorry unless she really means it. This will be an interesting year.....
And that is yet another reason I won't facebook. Losing "friends" is quite devastating. At least with your blog, you don't know if someone read and was offended unless they tell you, so you psyche doesn't get damaged by the silent sting of the computer showing you that you've lost a "friend". facebook will be the end of us, i swear!
Letting go of those worries seems so freeing! I should probably try it myself. :p
Apparently I'm into quotes this week, but another of my favs: What other people think of you is none of your business.
Mostly I agree with that. Unless they like you and want to share! ;-)
xoxoAlly
I recently dealt with something very similar, Erin, and it forced me to think really hard about what I write about and how I write it. I blogged about that, too, much to others' chagrin.
You are right when you say that you are a writer and this is your truth. We write because it is who we are and what we do. We do it as best we can, though not always as well as we'd like to. But we own those imperfections too - they're part of our process.
Good for you for defending your creative space!
Well I for one am still here and not planning on going anywhere, unless of course you drag me kicking and screaming.. no wait no one could take me that way.. Ok under heavy sedation but then I would just come to and stalk you down again bwhahahah..
Anyway, sweetie let me tell you this. Just like God will put people in your path to teach you, the devil puts them in your path to hinder you. He thinks that if he pulls people out that you think are your friends, you will panic and break your neck to 'fix' it and get them back. Learn that people don't like dealing with the truth of who they are when it is in their face. We just don't and we often see things in people so easily because we are just like that. Let them go, pray for them and continue to be the awesomeness that is YOU
You know what? People who were offended by what you wrote would have ended up being offended by something else had you held back. You're learning that you have to be true to yourself and that is the key to happiness
Stopping by to wish you a happy new year!
Bravo. I've been waiting for this for the almost 5 years I've known you. It's really okay that not everybody likes you. And to expect that everyone will is really kind of naive. Just be you.
Quit being afraid and nervous and worried that someone will be offended. Just be you. You're lovely just as you are. And, by the way, that's nothing new - you've always been that way, you just wouldn't listen when anyone told you that. Or believe it about yourself.
Hopefully you're listening now. And believing.
xo
Shelly
@shellykramer
It's fascinating. In the magazine business, people go to great lengths to not offend the base. But here in blogger land, I thought it would be different. Funny, but like you, I wound up editing my copy to please people - until recently. I discovered, as you have, that the posts that were the most raw and risky, that I thought would be the ones to offend people, were the ones people liked most.
Funny old world, isn't it?
No. Seriously?! What the EFF have you written on your blog that would make you lose a FB friend? This makes no sense to me because I think you're awesome.
I love you and I hope you have a great new year!
Ah, sweet liberation.
Wonderful to read.
Looking forward to your words ahead.
Here's to writing what's within you, and too bad on anyone who doesn't like what they read! Good for you, mama! Happy *almost!* 2011!
Bravo, Erin, for declaring your vocation. Often we feel that we need to have a job with a paycheck that pays us for doing that thing we are or have gone to school and have an advanced degree that says we are that something. Not true, as JK Rowling!
Just be true to yourself. Be honest with YOUR feelings. Haters will always find something to fuel them, even puppies and rainbows, so just be the best YOU that you can be!
AMEN! Great post, it totally resonates with me. Your blog should be your space to write what YOU want.
Happy New Year!
Amen sister!
It's a lesson I plan on learning this year.
Being Nicey Nancy has crippled me. I no longer realize who I even am anymore. Time for that to change!
I completely agree with you and I love the quote you included. But the truth is I struggle with this a lot too. Esp. since the time that my mother confronted me about a post I wrote about her mother because she found it offensive. At first I felt awful. I hadn't meant to say anything distasteful about my grandma. And everything I wrote was true. Or at least my perception of the truth.
But my mom then began to tell me other things that bothered her in my writing. The fact that I talked about my underwear, my husband's comments about thongs, etc. And I began to realize...you just can't please everyone.
As long as you are being ethical, if you are writer, you have to speak the truth. Otherwise, we would all have to go around muzzled all the time. I wish I could hang out with you in person, Erin. This is such a great post and I wish we could just sit and gab ahout this topic. You are an awesome writer and you speak the truth. That's why you are so amazing.
You know what? I'm proud of you. This takes guts, takes getting to a place in your life where things that have meaning and value to you don't have to be the same as everyone else's.
And you? Are a writer.
That's awesome Erin! Coming out to the kids sounds like an awesome step in the metamorphosis you're going through.
I hope you keep up the momentum in the new year. Happy 2011!
ABSO-F'ing-LUTELY!!
#thatisall
:)
If I could reach through the internetz and give you a BIG high five, I would...
TWICE!
I couldn't have said it better myself!!!
<3 ya!!! Happy new year!!!!!!!
I'm in my 7th blogging year and lord knows I've lost my share of readers. Like I always say, you're free to read and you're free to leave.
You have a really good blog - keep it up!
Good for you! Being OK with who you are and knowing that not everyone is going to like you is the first steps to freedom in my opinion. Kudos for you realizing this and being real rather than fake for the benefit of everyone!
"Mommy is a writer." That's big. Congratulations!
Happy New Year, jj
I can't imagine what you have ever said that would offend anyone. Now, me on the other hand...but YOU! Even when your mean your nice. But, that's one of the many many things I love about you!
Thank you for saying ALL of this! It's exactly what I want to say on my blog to all the people who feel the need to read everyday and then criticize everything I say.
I've been silent about it. But it hurts sometimes because I am a writer also, and I write because I love it and I feel I have something to share.
Way to go Erin! You are an inspiration to me!
It's your space and you have a right to write whatever you want in it- Your girls reaction is cute-my monkeys always talk about me being a writer- they think it's pretty cool-
happy sunday.
Thanks for RT-
Right...YOU are the first person who should like you. And the best example you can provide to your daughters is to show them how to be true to themselves by living your own truth.
That is the perfect quote to start off the new year. Sometimes I worry that I'm not nice enough, but the write was 100% correct when she said that being nice is a full time job. Don't let the unfrienders get you down. They aren't worth an ounce of space in your head.
Wishing I could hug you again after reading this post. Oh wait!! I can, in just a few weeks!
I believe in writing what's in your heart and what's real. I'm glad you do too. :)
Good for you, Erin! I joined a mothers group three years ago when I first moved here. I walked away from that group (on not so great terms) one year ago. Out of 13 women, I took from it one very close, wonderful friend. The most important lesson I learned from all of those women... I do not need everyone in the world to like me to feel good about myself and I would prefer not to have people in my life who are fake nice. Besides, people have WAY too many friends on facebook anyways. Kisses to you!
The first time I lost I follower on my blog, I think I may have cried. I was all "What did I say wrong?" "Iwonder who is was?" "I want to find them and ask them why!"
And then I realized if they didn't like me, then I didn't want them reading me anyway. I would never want to be friends with someone who didn't like me, so shouldn't it be the same with my blog?
When your blog is an honest portrayal of your life, it definitely opens up doors for criticism. But, I say if they don't like it, then Fuck them.
ABSOLUTE TRUTH!!! Thank you for these words!
Write On!
I do agree that it's important to be honest. I've gotten a lot more diplomatic, a lot more careful with how brusque I can be with my writing and my opinions, but I do think that I can't hide the things I feel strongly about, even if it means more followers. Integrity is really important to me, and it should be to all of us. So good for you!
(Not that I think you're saying anything offensive!)
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