Her poignant and powerful post stirred up so many things inside of me, particularly my feelings about being a woman and how I define it. How I struggle with it, even now at the age of 34.
Without medical intervention, I can't get pregnant. I don't ovulate because I have PCOS, which you can read about here. I have blogged about our journey several times, most recently here for the Red Dress Club.
What I've been thinking about lately is how my own feelings of femininity are closely tied to my inability to conceive. How being a women at its most basic level means being able to bear children. Carry said children in your womb naturally, effortlessly, beautifully. There is honestly nothing I love more than a pregnant belly--preferably mine, but I'll take yours, too--and I miss mine desperately sometimes. So if I come up to you and ask to feel your belly? Please consider letting me. And then don't worry too much when you see me start to cry.
The times I've felt most feminine, most proud to be a woman? Were undoubtedly when I was pregnant, my belly full of babies, round with potential, an outward sign of my femininity, my power, my prowess:
18 weeks
22 weeks
23 weeks
28 weeks
front and side views
at 30 weeks!
I know I am so lucky. I consider myself blessed to have my two little miracles, blessed to be a mom. Despite everything we went through, I now have my twin daughters, Abby and Izzy. Nothing can ever take that away. I am a mother.
I am a mother. I am a mother. I am a mother.
I am a mother. I am a mother. I am a mother.
I am a woman.
Hear me roar!
If I can do this? I can do anything.
If I can do this? I can do anything.
Abby & Izzy's Birth Day, 12/9/05
Where do you think your feelings of femininity come from? Am I just nuts? I'd love to hear your opinions & perspectives on this.
62 comments:
I'm not really sure how honest to be here.
First, you are an amazing beautiful woman. You did bear children - and they are gorgeous. If you had adopted instead? You would still be a powerful beautiful woman because you choose to protect and guide to tiny lives.
Second, much of my feelings of feminity comes from my boobs. It's a shameful thing to me...it seems so shallow. But they have always been a startlingly hard sign to deny - I am a woman. The fact that they can feed a baby is secondary to the fact that they announce, loud and clear, to everyone exactly how womanly I am. It's shallow but it's true. And not as gorgeous as your thoughts.
So brave you are to let a video camera into the birthing room where you had your babies....
I'm NOT even that brave enough.
So about the topic you address here today--Now, it may be easier for me to get pregnant BUT I understand what you are saying. Getting is pregnant is an extremely feminine thing. Men can't get preggo. I can understand how you relate your feminity to that.
((HUGS))
You are also brave for letting someone take a picture of your preggo belly....
Hang in there girl.
You are a wonderful writer, friend and mother. I am glad you have your twins at least.
If I had a magic wand, I'd make it so you can get pregnant again...
Because you my friend deserve some more happiness this day and always...:)
My feelings of femininity come from my vagina.
Which is why I don't have any.
I think my femininity comes from my LOVE of chocolate.
And my ability to nurture my children.
And my ability to wear sexy lacey underwears...(WHAT? Men don't wear sexy lacey underwears....)LOL.
And yes, the ability to bear children and have my STUPID period every month makes me feminine too...
Love ya Erin!
for some reason this made me get so emotional ((hugs))
I love a pregnant belly too. Love babies.
I am not having anymore children but my girls are at the age (19 mths)where I find my self missing being pregnant and having a 'baby' sigh
Love up your girls :)
Oh I have tagged my femininity on my hair. Yeah I know strange.
I'm writing this with a lump in my throat - as today, my own mother struggles to survive, my own daughter goes off on her first real date. Powerful moment to be reading your post.
First, beautiful, as always - and I love the belly pics.
Second, and I say this with deep understanding and love - It makes absolutely no difference to those girls whether you conceived their little zygote selves or not. What they care about now - and will always love - is that you are their mommy.
As the daughter of a mother; as the mother of a daughter, I know -as you do, too - that that's the only 'conception" that matters. As they grow, it will be the only one you think or care about.
Erin,
Are you nuts? Nope. At least no more so than the rest of us. I'm working on curriculum abt normalizing crazy because so many women think they're crazy and now your post just said "good idea."
I was 1 of the lucky ones who when I wanted children became pregnant the next day. But I had several friends who struggled with getting pregnant, or had miscarriages, or never got pregnant and each 1 struggled with her femininity or being a whole woman because of it. I don't know if it helps to know you're not alone in that.
What makes me feel feminine is about underwear, clothing, etc. What makes me feel like a whole woman, I'm not sure. Being a mom is probably most of it.
You're amazing, open, kind, generous, vulnerable, emotional, funny and a supporter of other women - that all sounds quite wonderful to me, whatever category you label it. Cherry
Hi Erin!
Lovely post and beautiful big 'ol belly pics! I so miss my body when I was pregnant. I've struggled with multiple miscarriages and no matter how long it has been since, I still find comfort in reading about the journey of others. Thanks for sharing this today. Megan
Oh my lovely friend, how do you always manage to touch my heart and send my tear ducts into overdrive? You are amazing. And thank you for sharing your beautiful pregnant pics and video. Your daughters are lucky little ladies! Much love!
"I'm a momma." just sent me overboard with tears! And I just had a few more typing it out. You are one of the most amazing women I have ever 'met' and I absolutely adore you and all that you do.
I have felt my most womanly during pregnancy and having Babe. I still feel like a strong powerful woman as a mother, person and wife but when I was pregnant it was proof right there out in the open of 'look what my body can do!'.
Gotta go read the breastfeeding article since I already cried!
Oh and I ordered a new set of reuseables, four bags (well three and a cooler) for $36, I don't know if they will be worth but we will see! Now some of mine will match lol
I probably shouldn't comment here but I am going to anyway. I am 46 years old and never in my life did I want to have children so I can't relate to the preggo thing at all. Although, I think what defines me as a woman is not a part of my body but my compassionate and nurturing spirit.
I love how you're owning it. Big time. Go, Erin!
the pictures are fabulous.
I guess my feelings of femininity come from my body as a whole. My WOMANLY body, with all it's curves and the "pooch" that remains after carrying three babies and even the wider hips I now have all the way to my small hands.
That video made me cry. And I just LOVE your belly pics! Thanks for sharing it ALL with us. Including your heart-felt feelings... xoxo
I think the times I feel the most feminine are those nurturing moments... when a child is snuggled up against me on the couch just needing Mom time.
pregnancy... I think I felt more Bovine than Feminine... but I wasn't nearly as cute pregnant... especially by the fifth - something blobbish was going on, and it wasn't pretty.
That video totally tore me up, woman! Danggit! My own lil one wants to know why the babies are crying and where are their diapers? ;) So hope that brings you a strong smile. You look so beautiful, and gosh, you look so young. Isn't it amazing how motherhood changes us? Not ages us, but makes us so grown up. Does that make sense? I don't know. I know that I never felt as incredible in awe of my body as I did during pregnancy, and I know that my own womanhood comes from just simply BEING a woman. How you get pregnant, IF you get pregnant, [collective YOU here], and so much more don't define a woman. Pregnancy, adoption, motherhood of any sort defines a mother to me, and not all women are mothers, making them no less of a woman. I'm rambling. And I'm PMSing. Perhaps I've said too much ... xox
21 years ago today, i became a mom… something i have loved with all my heart… even during the toughest times. it's taught me more about myself than i could ever have imagined. it's humbled me and grown me and it's been the best journey i could have ever embarked upon.
what a sweet picture of the Father's love for us… that He gives us a glimpse of his tenderness through images of motherhood.
beautiful {as always} post and your girls' birthday was nothing short of miraculous. loved the "i'm a mom."
yes… you are. one helluva mom, too.
Hands down one of my favorite posts you've ever done!
I have never EVER felt as fulfilled as I do when mothering. Not just the pregnancy part, but being THE ONE that can heal all, cure all, love at all times. My heart overflows for my kids. Its the most intense rush I've ever felt. But I don't have a desire to have babies and babies, just to get a rush (aka octomom). The rush comes from knowing I'm a good mom to the ones that I have. And I won't ever have a baby if I'm not confident I can mother him/her well. So I personally disagree with your self assessment. Its not that you got pregnant that makes you a mother. Its that you mother (a verb). You CHOOSE to mother. Many women have children and choose not to mother them. Thats why I believe adoption is one of the highest forms of parenting. Just my 2 cents. And you ARE a fantastic mother!
Yes. This. Exactly this. I am in the same PCOS boat and I can't tell you how well you've expressed the thoughts in my head. It's terrible to feel like your body isn't doing what it's supposed to. I've written a bit about it on my blog, but all of the support in the world isn't the same as finding someone who just 'gets it.'
I am new to reading your blog, but One Cluttered Brain shared it on FB. It brings me to tears, because I know so many girls that struggle with getting pregnant. My sister in law is finally having a baby after 4 years of trying. My sister has been trying for 7 years and has been unable to conceive. I appreciate your story. Thank you for sharing it. I rarely feel feminine, but that is probably my own doing...
Erin: This brought me to tears. So incredible.
I know exactly what you mean about motherhood and womanhood. I have always felt a strange sense of pride in body's ability to get pregnant and carry a child. That's obnoxious and I would never say it to anyone, but we're being honest here right? There is a confusing sense of pride that comes with carrying a child.
So beautiful!
I did feel like a strong, powerful woman giving birth to my babies. And nursing my first- watching him grow on just what my body was doing. Even though I will tell anyone that listens that bf feels like shards of broken glass being sucked out of skin for the first two weeks or so.
After my first, even though I did bf the rest, it stopped making me feel feminine and made me feel more frumpy than anything else.
ACCKKK I KNEW better then to play the video I knew better. Now I sit here and type through misty eyes. I think we all envision at some point being a mom, carrying a baby and when that dream is shattered for whatever reason we are left to wonder, why was I made a woman. If we are unable to bring forth life we feel less than. But that is not what makes us womanly. We are the representation of the feminine side of God, with or without the ability to bear life. Look at Sara she was in her 90's before God opened her womb. He never called her not a full woman. The bible says SOCIETY felt that way.
We are the representation of God's heart and love, his compassion and empathy for we his children. That is what makes us a woman
What an amazing question. Do I even know how to answer this? I adore children but have like negative desire to ever birth one. I think my feeling of femininity comes when I feel powerful. When I can kiss my boyfriend and see that look on his face and know that I made his knees go week, I feel powerful. When I notice someone -- man or woman, no matter -- glance at me, I feel powerful. I feel feminine when I walk. I feel feminine when I feel confident.
I like how much this question makes me think! I can be selfish, certainly, but "vain" is NOT a word I'd use to describe me. I suppose femininity is just something I consider to be wrapped up in and woven throughout me
Erin,
This is awesome. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Much love and big hugs, Shannnon
You are not nuts.
"There are few things more intimately connected to a woman's soul than the longings and
dreams of motherhood."
My pastor said that we we were telling him our struggles of deciding whether or not to have a 4th child. How I so desperately wanted that and my husband was on the fence. It made my husband realize how very important being a mother is to me.
Being a mother is powerful stuff, illustrated by your words and the intimate portrait shared through the video of your daughters birth.
Watching it brought me to tears.
You are a Mama and so am I and I think it is one of the greatest gifts we will ever receive!
Love all those preggo shots - they're awesome. You looked so great - and to be carrying twins too! The video brought tears to my eyes. Own it, of course you are woman :-)
I, too, love love LOVE my own pregnant belly. I will so miss it when it's gone. And going through this pregnancy makes me feel more feminine than I ever have in my entire life.
Your video made me tear up. I can't wait to have that moment myself. :)
Now that's a helluva post! I'm not quite sure what my answer would be. I like yours, but I'm not sure if it's mine too. I'll have to think about it some.
I love your "I'm a mama." in the video. That truly is the most wonderful feeling ever.
Ya know, I don't know the answer for me. :/
That video is awesome. "I'm a momma..."
The video of your daughters' birth is beautiful. It made me cry and remember how I felt hearing my son cry for the first time.
I'm adopted and part of me always wondered if I'd have kids of my own. I cannot speak to troubles TTC, but I don't necessarily tie bearing children with womanhood.
I think being a mother is not necessarily a 'skill' you're born with, but something you learn and something that grows in you as you care for another life.
I think this comment is turning into an essay ;)
What a beautiful post!
I'm looking at those pictures trying to figure out how far along I LOOK now; and I don't even have a uterus anymore.. 28 Weeks seems about right.
Your thoughts on femininity and pregnancy are lovely. I am thinking thinking thinking about your words because I hated everything about being pregnant. (other than the baby). I felt the most unfeminine during those months. Am I a freak? Don't answer that. Honestly when I feel the most feminine is when I give the house a good cleaning and cook dinner and run errands all on the same day. Not kidding.
:)
I'm laughing at Mama-face's response, but she kind of hit the nail on the head for me.
Honestly, I did not enjoy being pregnant. I wanted them to get here already and get the living on, you know? Maybe because my body failed me at delivery and then again with nursing. Babies are a gift from above for sure, but I really started digging my kids after 2 years.
I love my body. Every single inch. Even more with every passing year. Elaine said it well there - my entire form.
I think living with one husband and two sons makes me feel the most womanly. Lord help me.
"I'm a Mama!" Be still my heart you're too adorable. And so are your girls.
Oh Erin, this is so touching....gets to the heart of how we all feel about being a woman, a mom. I love the pictures of your belly, and love that you took them so often! Those memories and remembering those little bodies growing inside will carry you for your whole life.
And now they carry on outside your belly...sometimes quite loudly, I'm sure!
I have felt more feminine since having my kids, and I'm not sure exactly what it was...the nursing, the being pregnant, the giving birth. There's just something about the whole mommy experience that even to this day makes me really feel more feminine.
Beautiful post, my dear.
Tick tock, getting close. You need not worry. God is in control, you can do it. If he didn't want you to have kids you wouldn't have made it this far. You go Mama and be all the Mama you can be!! I nursed all my babies and honestly I loved nursing more than actual pregnancy. Felt more of a bond than a slave he he. The girls are not as purky but hey. My kids are helping us save on formula LOL
I loved hearing you RAWR! Another beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your journey. I love ducks.
Sorry, I didn't answer your questions...
I have no feelings of feminity right now. Having my ovaries and fall tubes yanked out of me before I had conceived took it all away. I am but a shell of a woman. I look in the mirror and cry at what could have been. BRCA has drastically changed my life forever.
I don't think you're nuts. I think you are beautiful and inspirational. You enrich my life and I am a better person for knowing you.
That made me cry!! and I laughed at the end when your husband said "Do I get to hold them" LOL
I don't know where my feelings of femininity come from - would have to think on that - I think it is an all over feeling - a mixture of breast, curves, motherhood, smile, legs... voice, opinions, strength...
You look pretty good there for having twins!
Your point about feelings of femininity being tied to your body are important, and I think we need to explore it more in this culture. I felt like my actual experience of labor was tied up in feelings of what it meant to be a woman, but a lot of healthcare providers don't recognize this.
(And can I just say that I was a little nervous about what that video was going to show? Then, I was like, "phew." My son heard the crying babies and came running, though. Now he wants to watch them again.)
Can I also say that I think the best sound in the world is a newborn's cry?
Your video makes me weepy.
I agree that being pregnant was when I felt the most feminine. With my first child, part of me also felt guilt with that power because I was so young. I had my first son when I was barely 17 years old. It just seemed wrong to be realizing that my body was doing what it was meant to be doing. But I loved it. I loved watching my belly grow rounder with each month.
And aside from creating life? I'm with KLZ.. My boobs have always been a source of womanhood. I know I've always been able to attract attention by wearing a certain shirt or a good bra. And I like it.
You were one of the most beautiful pregnant women I've seen!
First thing I have to say is that your video is so precious. When you said, "I am a mama" I cried. What a great moment. The pictures of you are also great. You did (and are still doing!) some amazing work with those precious girls.
I didn't feel very feminine when I was pregnant, but that is probably due to the 9 months of all day sickness and the hospital iv treatments for hydration that I was going through. Mostly, I just felt blessed for the miracle (literal, considering that we started out that pregnancy with a misshapen uterus and a baby with no heartbeat) that was growing inside me.
Now that I look back, though, I do feel like that was a time of femininity...and I have even had thoughts....you know...thoughts....thoughts about doing it again.....!!
Really, I don't know that I often feel feminine. Maybe I need to put some thought into this.
Amazing amazing post.
Amazing.
My first to read and I'm off to explore more.
I loved being pregnant and would have loved a second shot at it. That said, I don't tie that to feeling feminine. For me, it's my hair. But even without that, there'd be something just in my soul that would feel it.
Wonderful as always.
And, this post? does it really come from a woman to scared to submit her writing anywhere?
Someone, anyone, explain this to me???
P.s. I have to send you a link to a private post someone would like you to read. I'll email...
You are so beautiful in each of these pictures! Thank you for sharing them and the beautiful video!
You rock MOM! :)
@NYCPatty
P.S. I have a new blog home...still me!
Absolutely BEAUTIFUL!! What a wonderful video...and YES..being pregnant was undoubtedly the most feminine I ever felt too. I felt very very motherly breastfeeding....but there is something about really sharing your body. And how beautiful..so beautiful!!
Oh, I think that just stirred up some hormones still stuck in the bottom of my barrel : )It's wonderful that you took the pictures, I forgot to do that every time.
I'm kind of a hiking shorts and hoodies gal so I think femininity hits when I actually am wearing something pretty. When I was pregnant I felt more like a cornucopia, mother nature nurturing her bounty : )
I totally can see why your views come from the ability to conceive. While I don't have PCOS, with the medical condition that I do have, I've been told by one doctor that it will be difficult for me to have kids.
Because of that (as well as the lack of any long term relationships), my views of myself as a woman are deeply affected - and really feel like I am a failure.
Oy. So suffice it to say, I know how you feel. And I'm so glad we'll be able to meet in a just a few days.
You made a beautiful pregnant woman!!
I was told I would never have babies, I fought to believe otherwise, and I got two, 15 months apart!
My problems came in when o couldn't feed either one! The 1st they told me since he was 9lbs 9 oz he was just a hungry baby! I cried for weeks because I could produce enough to do what women are meant to do, feed their babies!
my 2nd spent to much time in the NICU and wouldn't feed, it didn't matter I didn't produce enough anyway!
It still bothers me to this day, I look like I can feed an army and I can't even feed my own children!
Your girls are so beautiful!
This is gorgeous, and so are you.
I don't know if I feel more of a woman because I'm a momma, but I know I'm where I'm meant to be.
Does that even make sense?
Okay, you made me cry with that video! You also gave me a different perspective on women who wanted to touch my belly when I was pregnant - and I'm glad for that. As for my femininity, that will take some thought. Definitely a mixture of things for me - some I am more comfortable with than others. And sadly, too many are tied up with others' opinions. A great thought provoking piece, though.
-Ally
Look at your beautiful belly! I, like you, felt the most feminine during pregnancy. I loved seeing my baby grow and I am in awe that our bodies make and feed our children. I probably won't have any more and it makes me so sad. Part of me is excited to move on from this phase of my life, but I'm going to miss it so much. Thanks for writing such a personal post. You are a woman because you were born as one. Infertility can't take that away from you. xoxo
This is very thought provoking and beautiful. I've never thought about what makes me feel like a woman. But I haven't had your struggles.
I know you've been talking about writing lately and I wanted to say it shows. Your posts have been amazing.
I hated being pregnant. Every minute of it.
My first months as a new mother were spent in a dimension that no new mother should have to.
I don't think any sense of feminity is tied to motherhood at all.
For me? Is tied to my bed. Not literally you perv. Ok, maybe just a little.
Gorgeous. I always felt like a woman, but watching my body grow and recover and thrive via pregnancy remains a thrill.
I sometimes cry about not having any more babies.
I felt so sad at the beginning but then to see you were able to carry your babies - I can understand that it must be difficult to not be able to get pregnant, but to deliver them? That's the best part. I know that must have been a tough confession.
You look so pretty, pregnant! But you're pretty when you're not pregnant as well. :)
I see femininity as a culmination of a whole lot of things. I could be feminine without my boobs or without my hair or without the cute clothes that I like to wear. But take away all of those and a few more things and I'd probably feel a lot less feminine.
Love. This. Thank you for posting. I'd be more eloquent, but I have not the brain cells today.
I am not a mom. I have no desire to be a mom. I don't feel that biological clock ticking, my uterus doesn't "feel" anything when I see children. I do not feel any less womanly because I will not bear children(and I know that's not at all what you were saying). I think women who are mothers, really good caring thoughtful mothers, are beautiful creatures. I do not think one needs to be a mother to be feminine.
I get my femininity from my confidence. I walk tall and proud, I wear my hair short to show off my neck and face, I believe in myself. I often do things just to prove I can do them. I can be caring and nurturing when I need to be, but usually only towards those who have earned a spot in my heart. I am fiercly protective of my loved ones.
I am strong, and proud, and I am woman.
I'm back! Did ya miss me???
I'm trying to catch up, so please bear with me...
Now, about my feminininininity...
I'm kind of in your boat. Being pregnant made me feel GIRLY...all snug and whole and woman-ish. However, being kind of "old-fashioned-ish", we take on very traditional roles in our marriage. It works...makes us both happy...we like it. I get to be the girly wife and he's the dragon slaying hubby.
So, in a sense, a lot of my "womanliness" actually comes from my husband...because he allows me to take on the role of wife and mother. I know it sounds weird and old fashioned...but that's how it is!!!
Glad to be back! Missed ya!!!
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