Today I'm pouring my heart out with Shell.
A girl I went to high school with once accused me of sleeping with our writing teacher in order to get straight A's in the class.
I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't confront her. I ran away. As is my tendency.
Later on as a freshman in college, my peer review group in one of my classes informed me that I "used too many big words." Our professor had asked us to to read each other's work and give critiques. I was completely crushed. And I took it personally, which I shouldn't have. Perhaps my sensitive nature got the better of me. As it tends to do.
I'm a writer, people. It's what I do. I'm a sculptor of words. I mold and shape them, manipulate them. Give them depth, breadth and feeling, make them convey what I want. It's me, who I am at my core. It's why I'm shy, why I'm not a banker or a doctor or an actress. Besides, I'm terrible at math, science, and public speaking. This girl just wants to write.
Old habits die hard; I've let these things live and thrive in my memory, pervade my entire existence, belittle me, convince me I have no real talent. I realized after reading Julie's post over at Dutch Being Me yesterday that I'm just beginning to respect myself (long overdue). Did that high school girl think I couldn't have just one thing to myself? Everyone else has a niche, why not me?
Writing is mine. I claim it now.
I. Am. A. Writer.
No one can take that from me.
And now for a cheesy blast from the past.
"You have no power over me."
Labyrinth, 1986, starring David Bowie & Jennifer Connelly
68 comments:
Ohhh jealousy is a vicious thing, especially when the jealousy is thrown at you. I am sorry those people were unable to admit their shortcomings so they chose to attack someone else who was so talented in the area they fell short.
I am glad you are finally coming into your own comfort zone and finding your voice again.
Yes, you are a writer. And a great one, too. I hope you never let anyone take your power again.
"Everyone else has a niche, why not me?"
Why not indeed.
Wise words my friend. Going straight to my heart.
(high school virgins unite!) XO
Good for you! "Writing is mine. I claim it now.
I. Am. A. Writer.
No one can take that from me." Say it loud!
I too carry around the belittling things that have been said to me over the years. I once told an old friend that if I could change one thing about myself, I would develop a thicker skin. She replied that if I did that then I probably wouldn't be the sensitive person that she and my family love. I bet it's the same way with you.
Rock on you writer!
When we are younger we take so at heart...I know I still struggle with this. You are a awesome writer and I think its a special talent...its in you. So embrace it girl and be proud. I envy you!
Its amazing how old hurts die hard, isn't it?
Of course you're a writer. And you have that niche, and you're not going to ever lose it.
You're just not. Also, let me add that you have quiet leadership. People listen to what you have to say, and value your thoughts.
I'm with you ladies on the high school virgin thing, but more importantly, claiming what makes you breathe.
You are a writer, Erin. Don't ever let anyone tell you less. I'm so excited to be in the midst of this with you and Ash and Nancy and it is a beautiful thing to have your own niche.
I struggle with the big words, too. I've always been such a lover of words and ever since I was a little girl, I studied them, crafted them into my vocabulary. Therefore, I tend to use big gun words just out of habit. My kids have picked up on this and my little neighbor girl is always telling us we use words she doesn't understand bc they're so big. I try to slim my vocabulary down when I write. Ehhh. If that's the biggest thing someone can say about your work, I say you're doing a pretty fine job.
"I. Am. A. Writer.
No one can take that from me."
Shout it to the world.
As for high school ... jealousy is a cruel thing.
Good for you! You know your talent.
No one can take it from you.
Look at you. Sayin' it all loud and proud. Good for you.
And?
Girls are bitches.
Oh sounds like girl stuff. Girl stuff is so hard and it does take standing up for ones self to escape it.
Good for you for doing it. Plus great writing. I can tell you are a writer.
Yes you are a writer!!!
Shout it girl, shout it!
I.am.a.writer.too. And this post totally resonated with me. Writers are such an interesting phenomenon, aren't we? In order to be any good at all at the thing we are meant to do, we have to be sensitive. In order to do the thing, we have to grow a harder shell. Balancing these polarities is, for me, what writing IS. I have more to say but I will leave it for my own blog - cuz this post has inspired me (as all your posts do) to write my own.
PS Oh.my.God.Yes! You are a writer.
You are a writer and you should definitely claim it! I think when comments like those are made, others are jealous. That doesn't mean those words don't hurt. Good for you for overcoming those hurtful events.
Labyrinth - awesome movie!! I might have to pull that out this weekend, along with the Dark Crystal.
Kids are so cruel. It's amazing how things from high school can still bother us today. happens to me on occasion!
You go, shy girl. :-) It's so beautiful to watch your bravery unfold!
I would like to agree with Nancy C's comment...."you are a quiet leader". People listen to you, Erin. You have something special and everyone knows it (do you?).
Your writing comes straight from your heart. Do you realize how many 'self-proclaimed' writers just wished they could write like you?
Well, raising my hand, cause I'm one of them.
Much love and respect my friend.
Terri
I'm loving that you are reclaiming what is rightfully yours...words. You own them.
How horrible and cruel high school girls can be. I feel bad for teen Erin that had to endure that :-( Wish I could've been around to have your back. I'm glad that you have moved on and realized that you are an amazing writer and have so much to offer us readers :-)
It amazes me how bad memories from high school can still invade our very being. I think most of us grow older (grow up) and become happy with who we are but there are those times when the mean things said in high school sneak in and make us doubt ourselves.
So glad that you are seeing yourself as a WRITER! What a positive change that has come over you since I first began reading your posts! :)
As for the mean girl, MEAN GIRLS SUCK!
Just sayin'.
YOU. ARE. A. WRITER. A beautifully, talented one at that. I AM jealous of how articulate you are, but it just makes me strive harder and analyze how you compose your posts. I love the way you craft your art. Thank you for being such an amazing person.
You do have a beautiful way with words. Its a gift, you should be proud of.
And you know what, those people were jealous. Simple as that.
Stopped over from Shell's place. :)
Ugh - high school girls are so evil! I say write away girlfriend.
On a side note - that movie terrified me at 5 and I have never watched it since!
YES!!
Sometimes it's hard to own our talents. You are a writer, I have no doubt of that. I've been reading you for a long time now and your words never fail to impress me. Own it!
What a beyotch! I'm sorry she almost took your writing away from you, Erin, but I am glad that you've found it again and are who you are.
Wow - I wish I could go back in time and tell you at that moment in HS why that girl did that - and that it really didn't have anything to do with you - same with college - but as I am sure you know, going through all of those experiences gave you your writing bones - but too bad you took a hit and let shyness and hiding your talent blossom at all! BUT - I am soooo glad to see that you have finally figured all of that out and are expressing yourself and being a WRITER!!
I think I have been lucky in my life because I have gotten CONSTRUCTIVE criticism most of the time - either that, or I just have always IGNORED the BS - probably a mixture of both :)
XOXOXO
PS - LOVE the title of the post!
Say it to yourself every day, because it's what I've been saying about you since my first visit to your site.
You.are.a.writer.
Don't believe me? Go back and look to my very first comment at your site. It was the Not Mother of the Year contest.
See? I remember it.
Now, would a non writer be able to strike such a memory in a total stranger like you did to me?
Just challenging your reality, Erin.
I hate that those girls did that to you. How awful.
You showed your strength that you kept going, kept writing, kept growing.
You are a writer and you inspire me.
Wow! What a bitch.
Those years are so impressionable.
Moments like those are like permanent ink etched upon our soul and no matter how hard we try to scrub it off the memory stays, faded maybe, but never truly gone.
It's what we choose to do with that memory that counts.
Do we let it beat us down or do we rise up and conquer the insecurities it tries to breed?
Looks as though you have chosen to go to war my friend!
Oh man, girls can be so incredibly mean. Words are the things that hurt us more than anything. I'm so sorry Erin.
You are a writer, and a darn good one. Don't ever forget that. Ever.
Maybe I'm in the minority, but I never let high school meanness deter me - I knew my strengths better than they did.
If they didn't like me, it was their problem, not mine.
Just keep doing what you're doing, and do a mind flush on all the negative comments you still have lurking in the corners of your brain.
And teach your daughters to develop some thick skin so they won't fall prey to others who try to tear them down.
For what it's worth, I believe based on everything I've read so far that you're a writer. :) It's amazing how we can relive old memories from our past as though they happened yesterday. There are comments that were made years ago that are still alive and well in my memory. The difference now as adults, like what you're already doing, is we can speak the truth to ourselves and begin to believe it!
It's amazing how the words said by others can cut so deep. And they seem so true at the time.
You do not realize how much I feel like we are kindred spirits with life situations - and how we respond to them.
Can't wait to meet you next week. :)
Erin, I love this post. I love that you claim what is yours--a real, deep talent that brings you joy. Good. For. You.
You ARE a writer.
High school girls are the worst!
I used to run away from things, but I stopped that when I realized it wasn't helping me at all.
Now that I am older I wish I could go back and relive those moments that made me run, but then again, I love my sensitive nature, and I wouldn't want to change that now.
a WRITER for sure...and a damn good one at that.
hugs
What?! Sleeping with the teacher? Girls are SO FREAKING MEAN.
:(
Labrynth scares the crap outta me. Seriously.
I agree it is hard to over come mean things that were said. but
you are an amazing writer.
I hope you can believe that now.
and be proud.
High school girls can be SO mean. You are a wonderful writer! Lyrical, full of emotion and big words! Write on!
High school girls can be SO mean. You are a wonderful writer! Lyrical, full of emotion and big words! Write on!
You are clearly a writer – and to always remember – “My kingdom is Great – you have no power over me” – for all those “mean girls” or inner voices that sneer and mock and ridicule. That was a powerful way to end.
And nary a word too big in the whole post :)
Thank you for this today Erin, and God Bless and Keep you and yours.
Words rattle around in my head for decades, too. And I am glad we are both learning to be assertive and claim our authenticity. *big hugs* :)
That girl was awful. I want to go back in time and smack her for you.
You are a great writer, but more than that? You are an awesome person. I can totally relate to how you feel about writing and being shy. I'm the same way. That's why I keep saying by blogging I've found my voice, it was never lost, just too shy to pipe up!
You just rock, you know that? I feel that confidence in KNOWING that you ARE a writer and it makes me so, SO happy for you Erin.
And that b*tch was just jealous of you. I'm sorry she did that to you but thankfully she's long gone from your life now...
Oh, I so understand how you feel. I have let too many comments sway my thinking and my feelings about myself over the years! And why, to what end? Especially my "best" friend in high school, who I now see was a total passive-agressive depressed teen, cutting ME down to make herself feel better.
See? I feel better already! And you ARE a writer, so use those big words, dammit!
I am smiling because you claimed it! Love it! Those girls were jealous that much is obvious!
I am so happy you are ditching the baggage. Let it go, you're a wonderful writer and deserve critical acclaim!!!!!
I for one am a big fan and would like to know that the biotch from high school is reading your blog and eating her words!!!
Good for you. You are a good writer and own that. Own it like David Bowe's mullet.
Yes, Erin; you ARE A WRITER! Putting words on a page (or font pixels on a computer screen). And you're a darned good one, too!
And nobody can take that away from you, except you.
Keep writing!
Shalom.
Yep! No one can take away your words or that power! Keep on going in the direction you are...you OWN it!
I love your story! I love your way of giving life to the words. YOU ARE REALLY A WRITER, AND YOU'RE A TERRIFIC ONE!
What a great post.
It's amazing how one thoughtless comment can stay with us forever. I take things very much to heart, and remember things said to me many years ago. The offender probably has no memory of it at all, but I'll never forget.
I'm glad you're starting to overcome those negative comments!
I am so glad you're starting to really feel it and breathe it!
When does the new site roll out?
Maybe SHE wanted to bone the teacher and was just jealous.
Still, you should have punched her right in the skank mouth, then stood over her all triumphant likely while proclaiming that you saw her stuffing her bra after gym class.
Nope I can't do it, I cannot pick my jaw up off the floor! Good grief, the absolute nerve! But as a writer I suppose you have to take all kinds of crap, even that kind.
Oh!Yes!You!Are! And truly no one can take that away. But we can have the pleasure of carrying your words away with us as a gift.
Writers rock.
Go you!
I love this. You ARE a writer!!!
(should clarify: don't love what that girl did)
It feels good doesn't it? To own it. Getting there is so hard, a place where you know yourself. It's yours, enjoy!! It's a powerful thing.
xo
Hooray, you for owning it and being it!! Boo to that girl and her nasty gossipy lies!!!
I used to say, "I like to write." Now I say, "I'm a writer."
I was afraid to claim it because my writing is not in the league of the great and talented authors; and I thought "writer" was owned by them.
Fortunately, I learned that ownership is claimed by each individual. If something is in person's heart, then transfered to paper/hard drive, regardless of the quality, then that person is a writer. And the desire must be constant.
EnJoy the gift you've been naturally given, and $#@! those that want to take it away.
Okay, I am now sucked into your blog. I could have written this, not the being accused of sleeping with the teacher part, but everything else. Writing is the only thing I have ever been good at, except for running away when things get tough. I'm terrible at confrontation but really good at self doubt and I believe your blog is my new favorite.
Anyone who gets 67 comments on a post is most definitely a writer!
Keep on putting it out there, girl. You're good.
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